He said "No"

Well last night was a roller coaster of emotion for me.

I was busy preparing dinner and thinking to myself about my husband's and my future. And I realized I'd been talking to him about getting pregnant, but he hadn't given a ton of input back. Since I knew I would probably miss him (I had water aerobics to get to, and was leaving early to check out the book I've been waiting for, and all before he got home from work) I decided to text him.

Me: "Would you be excited if I got pregnant?"
He replied almost immediately with: "No"

And I had nothing to say to that. I want him to be excited with me when it happens. I want to make it a little secret between the two of us for a while. I want us to be bursting to tell our family and friends.

There is an element of fear for me. I'm terrified I'll be an awful mom. I'm nervous about sleep after baby, and work eventually. There are things that seem so uncertain right now, like how we will fit a baby into our self absorbed lives. After a baby there's no turning back. We'll be different. We'll change as a family. Our social life will be different. Our mentality will change.

But I'm ready to venture on that path. And I thought that he was too.

I finished preparing the macaroni and cheese for dinner, leaving it on the preheated oven. I sent him a text telling him to put it in the oven for 20minutes before eating. And rushed to get out of the house before he got home.

I didn't want to see him right then. I was in tears as I packed up my things for water aerobics. I felt selfish. I realized that it was mostly my decision to begin trying for a baby. I had talked to him about it. I had explained that I didn't want a baby right away, that I would be monitoring my body and when I ovulated. And we would wait for a few months before trying for a baby. But also that if we got pregnant before we started to try, that we would be okay with that.

He never objected to my talk. But he never got giddy about it either. But as I've found, he isn't someone that really gets all that giddy anyway. I can tell when he is excited about something, but he definitely doesn't show it as much as I do.

I was hurt. Why didn't he tell me sooner?

I couldn't force him to be excited. And above all things I wanted him to share in my excitement if/when the peed on stick said "your pregnant."

If he saw me this upset, I knew he might lie to me to make me feel better. But as I went out to my van, he was pulling in to the neighborhood. I sat in the drivers seat, scared to look at him. (I didn't want to be mad at him, but if you know me I wear my emotions on my sleeves. I was hoping I could work out my anger, and come home to calmly and rationally discuss my pain with him.) He mouthed to me: "where are you going?" and I motioned like I was swimming, to indicate water aerobics. I pulled out of the neighborhood, tears streaming, and received the following text:

"You know I was joking right?"

I went around the block and back to the house, parked my van, left it running and walked up to him. He was still in his car in the driveway.

Me: "You were seriously joking?"
DH: "You know I would be excited if you got pregnant. I thought you would respond with something else."
Me: "I didn't want to force you to be excited. I didn't want to pressure you into this."

We hugged in the driveway as I cried it out.

DH: Looked around as he said "Quiet, I don't want the neighbors to think I hit you."

He hates when I cry, and always attempts to make me laugh to get me to stop.

I felt so much relief. After all of this I've realize how much I want for us to be parents. At least I know now how we both truly feel.

As I shared the story with my mom, I started crying again. Even telling the story makes me upset.

When I came home from aerobics the mac and cheese looked the same as when I left, only had a chunk missing. As I spooned myself a serving, I realized it didn't look like it had been in the oven at all. "Did you cook this?"

No, he didn't. Poor guy tried to eat it basically cold.

Did you get my text? He did, but didn't read it all the way. Well at least now he knows to pay attention to what I have to say. :)