Baby Fever

Since Riley turned a year old, I have been thinking about having baby #2. I truly think I'm ready for another little bundle, but there are so many reasons why we shouldn't right now. I held Jamaal's cousin's 5 month old (who was premature so she is developmentally just a touch behind schedule, yet weighs almost as much as Riley does. :D) She fell asleep in my arms, and was just so precious to hold.

There are so many things about pregnancy that I just don't miss. Mostly, being a gestational diabetic. That just wasn't fun. However, I do think that since I've done it once before, I could handle it a bit easier this time.

There wouldn't be an issue if it weren't for maternity leave. I don't want to have to go back to work right away. And I don't have very much leave time saved up yet. So that would mean I wouldn't get to stay home as long as I did with Riley (16 weeks). At least I wouldn't get paid as much as I did, and way back then it was a huge difference in pay. Since I am working less now, we are less able to save up some funds to help cover me being on maternity leave. We need my paycheck right now.

My solution is simple:

If Jamaal gets a better job, which he has been applying for one and will hopefully hear back after the new year, we might be able to handle me going on leave. He would make more, with the opportunity for overtime, so we would likely be able to save something.

I've applied at a couple other places as well. But that doesn't really go with the whole plan. As it would be even more difficult to go on maternity leave after starting a brand new job. Mostly, I am just interested in working someplace closer to my home. That would make childcare a touch easier, and would decrease my transit time a little.

I'm hopeful that Jamaal would also be able to take some parental leave, so that we could have some time together as a family. He was only able to take off 5 days after Riley was born, and two of those days were the weekend. (We had Riley on a Thursday and by Tuesday he was back to work.) While it was rough then, I'm sure it would be even more difficult trying to manage a newborn and a toddler at the same time.

Here's to the new year! And someday, the New Neagle...

Thyroid drama, continued.

For previous posts on my thyroid drama, go here.


Every year I have an ultrasound to check in on my thyroid. After having Riley, I sort of forgot to check in as I was supposed to. It just wasn't on my priority list. So I was a little late checking in this year. (I usually go to see her in April). 


So, in September I went in for what I thought was a routine ultrasound. But as the tech finishes up, she says, "I'm going to show the Radiologist, and he will decide if you need a biopsy." At first I thought, "how neat, I'll find out my results right away." But I quickly realized what she meant. If he decided I needed a biopsy, he would perform it that day. Deeply rooted anxiety washed over me. 


I just wasn't prepared for a biopsy. No. I can't. Looking back on it now, I am a little bit annoyed/irritated/bothered by what happened next: she looked disappointed. 


As I analyze the situation now, I realize she had an intern following her that day. "Perfect, another checkbox to fill in, you might get to assist on a biopsy today." I imagine she might have said. When I refused, I deflated her a little. 


She was looking forward to it. 


While she was out of the room, I thought about the situation. Was I being dramatic? Should I just get it over with? I had driven myself while my Mom watched Riley. She could come get me, and I could pick up my car later. My heart was thumping in my chest. And I felt guilty that the intern wouldn't get to assist on my biopsy that day. I was too preoccupied with my own thoughts to realize the inappropriate way the ultrasound tech had responded. I was close to changing my mind...


Sure enough, my thyroid had changed a little, and the Radiologist recommended a biopsy. But I just could not get over the panic I felt. 


I probably should have just done it then to get it over with, because it took me until the end of November to finally reschedule the biopsy, but I didn't. By the time my appointment came around, I was just as nervous, if not more since I had a lot of time to work myself up over it. 


The whole procedure was done in less than 30 minutes, and I've been through it before so I knew this going in. But it did hurt this time, as it did the first time, and I was extremely stressed throughout the procedure. The ultrasound tech (a male this time) was caring. He really did try to help me relax. I told him my history, that I had a very bad experience the first time, (a better experience the second time, though I was having trouble remembering the details) and I recounted how the Attending (during my first biopsy) had said "you see that? That is the carotid artery, don't hit that." All, while a needle was in my neck. 


He reassured me that even if the needle went through my carotid artery, a small amount of pressure would be enough to stop the bleeding. The needle is so small that it wouldn't do very much damage. This helped me relax ever so slightly. 


After the procedure, and the Radiologist left, the tech put pressure on my neck. Within a few minutes I began to feel light-headed. I told him so. My hands began tingling, and I started seeing a light flashing over my head. I envisioned myself on a gurney being pushed down a hallway with the overhead lights flashing past...


Then he touched my arm, and brought me back. He said he was starting to lose me, that I had started to twitch as if beginning to fall asleep. It was the weirdest feeling I've ever had. Then, I had waves of nausea, that I fought desperately. He brought me a bottle of water which helped. I did not want to throw up. I was embarrassed enough having passed out. Yet again, an experience I did not want to repeat. 


As was the case with my first biopsy, I developed a rash over my neck following the ultrasound. I'm pretty sure now that I am allergic to chlorahexadine scrub, as that is what the two have in common. I requested iodine during my second biopsy, because my Doctor had determined that I might be allergic to the chlorahexadine. I decided this time to verify this to be true...


I didn't receive my results until yesterday. They came back "inconclusive." My endocrinologist's nurse was the one to call, and she told me Dr. Q recommended a repeat biopsy in SIX WEEKS. I immediately said no way. All of my results have been "inconclusive" according to her. I am still a little annoyed over it. I'm wondering if I should find a new endocrinologist to get a second opinion. But she is pretty well recommended. I sort of agreed to repeating it in 6 months instead. But I'm not sold on that either. I have until June to figure it out I guess...

Riley's life in review.

Day 1- After 8.5 months of waiting, he was finally in my arms. He made lots of noise when breathing, and kept the nurses on edge, but he was just a noise maker, there wasn't a problem. At 12 days old, he went to his very first movie: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1

Month 1- This is an outfit his Uncle Lamar got him from Sweden. This was a rough time for mama, because he never slept at night.

Month 2- This picture was taken during a trip to visit with other babies from ladies I went to high school with. Some of you might recognize a certain baby girl's fist in this photo. :D He began smiling during this month.

 

Month 3- His very fist St. Patty's day. His daddy is part Irish, so this Holiday is kind of big on that side of the family. :D He started sleeping long periods of time (4 hours or longer) during this month. Mommy and daddy went out on their first "date" to the movie Paul.

 Month 4- He laughed for the first time during this month. Mommy had to go back to work.

Month 5- Daddy was playing video games, and Riley fell asleep. :D He went to his first Sounder's game this month against Portland (it was a tie). He really started grabbing things, and became interested in his feet. We went to ocean shores on vacation as a family, with a friend (and his girlfriend). Uncle Lamar scored his first MLS goal! :D

Month 6- He began solids this month. He ate homemade rice cereal in this photo. Most of it ended up on his face or clothes at first, but he really enjoyed eating. He started sitting up on his own this month. 

Month 7- Here he is eating prunes mixed with rice cereal. He loves eating. He started saying "ba ba ba" and "da da da." Mommy and daddy went camping, and left him behind. He stayed with both grandmas, each for a night. He actually slept better for them. At the end of this month, he started going from stomach to sitting, and started rocking on hands and knees. Near the 8th month he started crawling officially.

Month 8- He continues to love food. Most of the pictures I have from this month include him eating. :D Here, he has a rice puff stuck on his nose. :D He slept in his own room starting this month. He would flip right to his stomach, and make mama nervous, but he still will only sleep on his stomach.

Month 9- Here he is enjoying chicken noodles. During this month he had his first taste of dog food, and liked it. Blech. He has never swallowed any dog food, but we often have to sweep it out of his mouth. That kid is fast! He started eating oatmeal, banana and lightly toasted toast. He started pulling himself up and standing while holding on to things this month. And started walking around items as well, while holding on of course.

 Month 10- Here he is enjoying some Cheerios. But it looks like he is giggling, or telling a secret. :D He often "lounges" while eating, sticking his feet up on his tray, like he is doing here.  He eats a lot of different things, and is really good at feeding himself finger foods. He had his first big "owie" on Halloween. He cut his lip open on the corner of a coffee table. BTW, he dressed up as a bear. We had a bear outfit already, and mommy colored his nose with some stamp ink. Easy. He got really good at walking while holding on to things this month. We thought for sure he would walk.



Month 11- He took 3 steps before sitting down and crawling. By the end of the month, he was walking about half time. He eats pretty much anything you give him. His first Thanksgiving was filled with stuffing, turkey, mashed potatoes, sweet potato, and green beans. He loved it.



One year- He started walking most of the time a couple days ago. Now, it is clear, that he would rather walk. He is able to stand up from the middle of the room. He is able to pause to pick something up, and continue on. He loves playing with cars, and "vrooming." He loves gold fish crackers (and really any type of cracker you give him). I would say that bananas are his favorite food though. If they didn't constipate him, I would give them to him daily. :D He is still wearing 6 months and 6-9 months clothing. 9 months clothes are a bit big still. He started drinking from a straw a few weeks ago (okay so technically in Month 11), and now will go crazy for water from a straw. A couple nights ago one of Riley's toys said "bye bye" and he mimicked it. He repeated this two more times, but doesn't do it much anymore. Today he kept repeating "Hi" while we were out shopping.

Happy Birthday to my baby boy! Mommy and Daddy love you much. 

Losing the weight

I started writing this post earlier this week.

11/30/2011

Wednesday. Weigh in day. Today caused me much anxiety, mostly due to the fact that Thanksgiving was last week, and I had 4 slices of pie during that time. Plus several servings of my mom's fabulous stuffing. (But not all on the same day. It was so scrumptious as leftovers!) I was always conscious of the serving sizes on my plate. I bought a scale at one of the meetings a couple weeks back, and I use that A LOT when I'm making up my plate. I always thought my biggest problem was snacking. When I was home with Riley I found myself in the pantry a lot, pulling out bags of chips to snack out of, or making super buttery popcorn, and eat it ALL. But now I realize my biggest problem was portion control. I still snack a lot. But I measure out my snacks first. I make sure I don't overindulge, unless it really seems worth it to me.

Like homemade pecan pie. That, my friends, is worth it to me. ;)

Anyway...I was pretty nervous standing on that scale waiting for my results when the receptionist said "You lost 0.8 pounds. Good job!"

I didn't share, but last week I hit my first 10 pound mark. (The week before I lost 5% of my body weight.)

And today, 12/4/2011 I fit back into my pre-pregnancy jeans. Just shy of one year after he was born, and I can say I fit in my old jeans again. Comfortably.

I have to say, I am very proud of myself. It feels amazing to be able to look in the mirror and be happier with what I see. I was feeling pretty crummy about myself before I started losing weight. I am still on the losing side of this journey though, I have about 8 pounds left to lose until my goal weight, but it feels doable now. I still have a little "muffin top," but I had that before I got pregnant. So, it would be nice to lose it.

I keep thinking about those lucky few ladies who have babies and are in their pre-pregnancy jeans within 6 weeks. I was hoping and praying that I would be one of those women who could blink and lose 15 pounds (and well I did that for the first 20 pounds, but I had more weight to lose than 20 pounds.) But it became abundantly clear to me that I was not in that category. I'm okay with that now. Because I have lost 12+ pounds and I am almost there. I can feel it. I feel my confidence building. I feel sexier. But most of all, I feel like I could do it all over again.

And hopefully I will. Only next time I vow to only gain 20 pounds, not 40 as I did the first time. Even though I had read about pregnancy and what to eat, and what not to eat, and how you only need 400 calories more to help support a pregnancy. I still felt entitled to treats, extra helpings, and extravagant desserts, because I was carrying something precious. I have a feeling that that is why I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes. Because I was so overly careless with my diet during the first and second trimester. I did not feel like I was being careless at the time. But looking back, I relied too much on my cravings, and not so much on my dietary requirements.

I craved Coke Icees from Burger King, and some weeks I would have one nearly every day. That meant getting off an exit before mine, just to get one. (During the summer months they are only $1, so it is a steal of a deal.) I would go through the drive thru just for one. Carbs were what I wanted.

I think that this is the reason why I had such a difficult time with the diagnosis and changing my diet. Carbohydrates had become the majority of my caloric intake. I didn't know anything else. Now I feel like I have a better grasp on what I need versus what I want. That is not to say that I won't treat myself to a slice of cheesecake or some french fries, but I will do so in moderation.

This is still true now, even while I am only nourishing myself (I suppose I am also nourishing Riley, as he is still nursing some.) I am taking what I learned while pregnant, and what I have learned so far while on Weight Watchers, and applying it to my life. Because while I wish I could eat whatever I want when I want it, realistically I know that my health is more important.

Family Shoot

A friend of ours agreed to take some family pictures of us, she was so flexible, and rescheduled for Sunday (we originally had planned on Wednesday, but it was drizzling/pouring rain all day, and I wanted some outdoor shots). It was FREEZING out. But Riley was a trooper. He never cried or fussed. But, he rarely smiled as well. These are just a few of the shots Stacy has passed along as a teaser. I can't wait to see the rest. :D Go here to see some of her other work, and contact her to schedule your session. 

I cannot believe my little man is almost a YEAR. It feels like it should be June.

In other news: I continue to lose, and have lost a total of 8.8 pounds. I'm hoping to continue to lose over the next two weeks, but with Thanksgiving, I would be happy to maintain as well. :D

Another week down

On Wednesday I had my second weigh in. I had a dream the night before that I had lost 9 pounds. I felt so empowered because it put me that much closer to my goal weight. It put me at the halfway point, and so I got honored at the meeting.

In real life, I went in to get weighed and felt optimistic. I haven't really noticed a difference in the way my clothes fit, but I do feel better about myself.

So get this, I lost 2 pounds! The receptionist who weighed me made me feel really proud of my work this last week.

I have been working on choosing healthier foods and drinks, but still haven't been getting extra activity in. I didn't meet my goal from last week. I just need to work on making activity a priority.

In other news, I'm kind of under the weather right now. I lost my voice after working 12 hours on Thursday, all that talking to my patients wore it out. When I woke up I barely had a voice. Riley wasn't scared or bothered by it as I thought he would be. But I did upset him more than normal when I told him to get down off the hot dishwasher. I sound pretty gruff.

Today he started pointing at things sort of randomly. He will just stop what he is doing and point. It really is cute, but I try looking at where he is pointing, and I truly have no clue what it is I'm supposed to be looking at. I guess he is still new to this world and excited by bare patches of wall and the ceiling. ;) He continues to work on walking and standing on his own. I will set him down standing, and let go, and he will stand there for a bit before lowering himself down to the floor, or grabbing some piece of furniture. I bought him a convertible scooter/walker thing and he will push it around the house until he hits a wall or item that he can't run over. I have a video that I want to try to upload, but I don't know where the camera is right now.

Here is a tip we learned at our WW meeting this week:

Don't go crazy over Halloween candy, you can buy candy any time you want during the year. So what makes bags of Halloween candy special?

When I think about it this way, it makes it easier for me to limit my intake. I, like many people out there, experience a "special occasion" phenomenom where it makes it okay to overeat or over-indulge in high calorie foods, simply because it is a treat, or something that doesn't happen very often. Don't get me wrong, I am going to indulge every now and then. But I don't have to stuff myself to enjoy myself. Right? Who's with me? :D

I haven't bought any Halloween candy yet, last year we had 6 trick or treaters, so I'm not expecting a lot. I'm going to try and buy a small amount of candy so that it isn't there staring at me while I'm home with Riley. Although, I must say, accounting for everything that I eat does help me to think about what I'm putting in my mouth.

A loss

Of 1.6 pounds!

Not going to lie, I was expecting a little bit more of a loss. Mostly because I weighed myself on my home scale yesterday and I had lost nearly 5 pounds. I was slightly disappointed.

And then I sat down and the meeting was exactly what I needed to hear. The leader read a poem about a pound of fat. The message was that people tend to say "I only lost a pound." Or "it was just a pound." And saying things like that make it seem like it isn't an accomplishment. When really the weight will be lost one pound at a time. She then equated it to a puzzle, and how a person doesn't approach a puzzle thinking they will throw several pieces together at a time; instead a person approaches a puzzle with one piece at a time. Obviously I have truncated the message, but hopefully you get the idea.

I should be proud of all my hard work! :D

What worked for me this week: I made sure to keep track of my food (online and on my phone). I made sure to have lots of fruits and veggies available to me to snack on and actually ran out rather quickly. I have purchased a variety of fruits and vegetables, and have been forcing myself to eat/cook with them.

What I need to improve on: I need to work on adding activity to my daily routine. I have been doing water aerobics once a week, but this is not enough activity. Ideally I would have some sort of activity every day or at the very least, 5 days a week.

Goals for this week: I realize I need to increase my activity, but I don't want to set an unreachable goal. I want to increase my activity slowly. This week I want to add 45 minutes of activity. (on top of the water aerobics that I have already done today). I find myself having a hard time finding time when I can get away from my baby long enough to get a good workout in. But, I need to stop using him as an excuse and just get it done somehow.

Weigh in

As I stated yesterday, I went to Weight Watchers today and signed up. Riley, my mom and I listened to the meeting and had a good time. Four years ago (when I got out of college) I started up with weight watchers with my mom. I didn't pay or go to meetings, just counted points etc with my mom. It was a way for me to help motivate her, and I also was trying to lose weight for my friend Jessie's wedding. :D I lost quite a bit of weight and was down to about 120. But I was sort of scaring myself. I wasn't eating appropriately. I wasn't starving myself exactly, but I was so focused on dessert that I would save up all of my points just so I could have a big dessert or snack. Ultimately I was not getting the appropriate nutrients in, and I got worried that I would begin to starve myself further if I stuck with it. So I stopped. Around this time I was stressed out at work, and eventually moved in with Jamaal, which made dieting even more difficult. 


I tend to get a bit competitive and strict about diets, and already I can't read enough. I'm planning what I will be eating tomorrow, down to each little snack and detail. They have an app for my phone (and an online program) that you can track your food on. So I can easily remove foods I don't eat, and add those that I spontaneously decide on eating. I think that a little planning will help me to control my portions and my snacking. 


I know a lot of my problems come on those days when I don't plan ahead. We end up eating something quick from the freezer (usually fried up crispy) or something from a drive thru. I'm embarrassed to admit that I would often rather eat fast-food than I would cook something homemade (and healthier), especially after working 12-hours. It is just so difficult to get away from my nursing baby, that even on days when I don't work, it is a challenge to get in the kitchen and cook. 


This is my vow to decrease my fast food consumption to less than once per week. I am pretty sure (though I haven't been keeping track) that we have had fast food once a week pretty regularly since Riley was born. And there were a couple times when we had it more than once in a week. (But there also were definitely weeks when we did not have any.) I know it isn't good for me, but it just tastes so good! I know my husband and myself well enough to know that cutting it out completely (at least right now) will not happen. But when we do decide to eat there, I will make better choices.


I made a goal today to lose 6 pounds over the next 8 weeks. :D I think I can, I think I can...

A new start!

I have recently (in the last couple weeks) started going back to water aerobics. It has been wonderful to get back into it again. I really did miss going. It isn't easy to get myself there, but once I'm in it, I am happy to be exercising again.

I have come to the conclusion that I need to lose 20 pounds. I haven't really "dieted" yet since Riley was born nearly ten(!!) months ago. Can you believe I gained 45 pounds when I was pregnant with him? The first 25 practically fell off in the first few weeks after I had him. I kept holding on to hoping that the rest of the weight would just suddenly drop off without me consciously doing anything. But I'm through living in denial. I also didn't want to risk depleting my milk supply. But now that the little Mister is older, and nearing the age of being weaned, I've decided it is time to get into better shape. And I need to do it while my body is burning up extra calories making milk.

I can barely look in the mirror without being disgusted with what I see. I find myself extremely concerned with my relationship between my husband and I, because I get worried that he is also disgusted and no longer attracted to me. While he is definitely the one wishing private time were more frequent, I know that if I were a little bit more confident and happy with my body, I would be able to enjoy our private moments a little bit more.

I'm self conscious whenever I go out in public because I don't have very many outfits that look flattering on me. And even those that do, I still feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I find myself comparing myself to the other women/ladies I see, dreaming that one day I will have body parts other women would be jealous of. ;) BUT seriously though, I do. I will be happy if I can fit in my pre-pregnancy jeans, and am 20 pounds lighter. (I could also lose 10 bonus pounds and be within a healthy weight for me, but I'm not going to push the issue...at least not yet.)

I probably will continue to envy other ladies that I see, because there will always be someone out there skinnier, prettier, funnier, etc than me, but I will work on not letting it hold me back or get me down.

So, this week, I will be starting WeightWatchers. My mom and I will be going together to help keep each other motivated. Hopefully I'll keep you all updated with my progress. But it has been close to a month since I posted last, so we'll see.

:D Here is to a healthier, happier me!

9 months

Three more months and I will have a one year old. He will probably be toddling or close to it by then. For as long as he has been crawling, he has been pulling himself up to standing on the furniture, or in his crib. If there is something on the ground he will try to use it to get him to standing. He is now starting to let go of the objects and stand independently for seconds at a time. Once he realizes what he is doing, he will either sit down, fall down, or re-grab the surface he used to stand up with. I can't believe it. When he first starting pulling himself up, he was so wobbly I thought he would never learn to walk. :D (Of course I knew it would happen eventually, but he looked so unsteady I couldn't imagine him mastering it in the near future.)

Now, he is quickly moving around our coffee table, transferring from the table to the couches, and back again. It is quite exhausting just watching the little guy move around and around and around. :D

Today, I took him in for his 9-month check up. I've been worried about this appointment for a while now. I know I have a small baby. I know he isn't gaining weight like most babies his age do. But I also know that he is healthy, and acts normal, and is a happy little guy. So I was worried that my doctor would recommend testing to figure out if there is something causing him to gain weight slowly. I would be hesitant to do any tests at this time, especially since they would most likely just conclude that I have a small baby. So, my son would go through testing (and therefore pain, discomfort and/or annoyance) for no reason. If there was any telling sign of some sort of problem, then I would agree to tests, but he is an otherwise healthy little man.

So, as the medical assistant weighed him and found him to be 13 pounds 15.5 ounces, my heart dropped. At his eight month weigh in, he was 14 pounds 5 ounces. Left alone in the exam room, I stared at the scale thinking I needed to weigh him again. That weight just could not be right. When the doctor came in, she plotted his weight on his growth chart, she noted how small he was, then slowly realized he had lost weight from his previous weigh in. As the patient, or the patient's mother it is easy to forget that the doctor doesn't always remember every detail about every patient they encounter. She did a full exam on him and after I got his fresh diaper on, she looked at the scale.

"Let's check the scale, and make sure it is balanced" she said. You know I had my fingers crossed, hoping it wasn't. It is an old type scale, one that has a bar you have to level by moving the markers to the correct weight.  She adjusted the scale, and sure enough, it wasn't balanced. He really weighed 14 pounds 12 ounces! Relief washed over me. He did not gain very much (only 7 ounces in a month), but he gained. And at this point I would take a gain of anything over a loss. He eats breast milk, formula and solid food daily. I give him formula when he nurses on both sides and still seems a bit hungry. And since I've known he is a small baby, I want him to get as many calories as I can shove down his throat. ;)

Then my doctor and I talked about how difficult it is to get extremely active babies to gain weight, as he is burning up the calories right as I give them to him. Most of the time he is wiggling even while eating. She cleared him to be seen next at his year check up for shots and an exam. But said I could come in to weigh him between now and then. I'm not happy, with the results, but I am relieved. I'm encouraged that he gained 7 ounces this month (which is 2 ounces more than the previous month). I'm going to shoot for a 10 ounce (or more!) gain for next month. If only it were as difficult for me to gain weight...haha!

Inspired

Last night I finished reading The Help. It left me feeling so jittery, and inspired, and thankful, all at the same time. It was 11 pm and I was tired, so I went to bed, and proceeded to lay there with my mind going 100 mph. Jamaal's breathing slowed and became rhythmic after only 20 minutes or so, and I was left alone with my thoughts. He rarely falls asleep before I do, and I am not a fan.

At just before 1 am I finally drifted off, but it was short lived. Riley woke up at 1:15, and since I was basically still awake, I got up to nurse him back to sleep. He didn't seem as though he was going to let up and fall asleep anyway. It didn't take long to get him back to sleep, but those thoughts were back to torment me again. After getting up to wash my face, and a few rounds of angry birds I finally felt my eyes become heavy and off to sleep I went.

For some reason Riley woke up again at 4:30, I'm hopeful that he is going through a growth spurt, my little man needs to get bigger. By 5 I was back in bed, and quickly asleep. I should be thankful, that for the past month, I have been getting regular sleep of 4-8 hour stretches. I can't even remember the days when he would sleep for 1-3 hours at a time. Last night I was reminded what it used to be like, but not nearly as bad as it was back then. If I could have shut off my mind, I would have gotten a lot more sleep.

It seems strange to me, but after reading the book, I became inspired to write one of my own. I know myself well enough to know that I will not follow through on this. After starting as a nurse 4 years ago, I had a brilliant idea to start a book on being a nurse. I wanted to encourage new nurses that it gets better. That there is a light at the end of the tunnel. After 9 months of working, I finally felt some confidence. I finally would make it through a week without crying while at work. I finally was able to enjoy my coworkers, my patients, their families and my personality was finally coming through. Prior to that I was so focused on my tasks that I had no energy left to enjoy it.

I wrote little snippets here and there when the ideas struck me. But my inspiration quickly dissipated and I stopped. I don't even know if I have my notes anymore.

Last night the inspiration returned. This time though, I wanted to share stories of the people I have encountered at work. I have met some wonderful people. They are the ones that make me feel honored to be a nurse. When working with them, I don't feel the burden of my job, but I feel blessed to have been a part of their life, and them a part of mine.

But I've also worked with some extremely difficult patients and their families. And of course it is these situations that float up to the top. They are the ones that leave me with a bad taste in my mouth. And I wonder if they were to read about how rude, inconsiderate, and selfish they have been, would they make a change? Would it help others if they knew just what exactly it is like to be the nurse caring for difficult patients? Maybe, "please" and "thank you" would come out just a little bit more.

I literally stood outside the door of one particularly difficult patient's room and thought to myself: "It is not worth losing your job over." I wanted so badly to yell back at her, and tell her how rude she was being to everyone that had worked with her. But I knew that just would not be appropriate. Instead, I asked to get a different patient at 3pm, and passed her off to a different nurse. 8 hours of working with her was just too much time for me.

I think I will start trying to jot down notes as they come to me. But I doubt I will ever end up with a published book. There are so many logistics related to patient privacy and confidentiality, that I don't  know if I would be allowed to publish it anyway.

If you haven't read The Help yet, I suggest you do it. It was a very easy read, and if I did not have housework, work and a baby to look after, I would have finished reading it the day I bought it. I would have stayed up through the night reading if I could. I plan on writing a bit more on the book itself someday, but for now I must attend to a screaming, tired babe.

My VitaMix

My parents got Jamaal and I a VitaMix for Christmas last year. (Okay, okay, because it was an expensive gift, it was labeled to both of us, but Jamaal really didn't care for, or understand why we received it. After a quick google search shortly after, he didn't understand why it was as expensive as it was either. But I digress). He told me that I better put it to use. I think I have done a decent job of that so far. It is amazing for making baby food. And I have made Riley a rice cereal by grinding brown rice in the dry container. (You can make flour too, but I haven't done that yet.) Smoothies are simple, and I have made several. Some have been better than others. 


Last night I decided to go a bit further out of my comfort zone. I decided I was going to make chicken burgers. I looked in the instruction booklet and found out how to mince onion. I followed the instructions adding onion, green pepper and 2 cloves of garlic. The VitaMix minced them for me. I set them aside, rinsed out the container and looked into grinding meat. I again followed the instructions and ground up 2 chicken breast halves. It made a very smooth ground chicken. I was amazed by how smooth it was. 


While I wish I could say that this meal won over my husband's opinion of the VitaMix (I still don't think he is convinced it is quite worth how expensive it was), I will have to save that for a later date. I will work on learning new ways to use the machine, in an attempt to prove that it really is more than just an eyesore. A downside to the VitaMix, is that it takes up quite a bit of space on my counter.


My vision was a juicy, tasty, healthy chicken burger. However, the finished product came out a little dry. And that is not the VitaMix's fault. I still stand by my VitaMix, it is the best blender I will ever own. And I will try grinding meat again in the future, that was not the issue. The issue was my execution. Even though it needs some tweaking, I will share my recipe with you, just keep in mind that it needs something else to really make it pop. :D


Ground Chicken Burgers
Ingredients
1 lb ground chicken (store bought or home ground)
1/4 of a large onion, minced
1/4 of a green pepper, minced
2 cloves of garlic, minced
1 tsp. sesame oil
1-2 Tbsp. soy sauce
1-2 tsp. chicken seasoning (I used a seasoning for beer can chicken)
4 slices of cheddar or Swiss cheese (if desired)


1. Mix all the ingredients (minus the cheese) in a med/large bowl, it is easiest to use your hands for this. (I buy non-latex gloves at Costco for touching meat, cleaning, and picking up gross stuff my dogs leave for me)
2. Divide the mixture into 4 (or more) equal parts and press into patties. (I made 3 burgers, thinking, that like their hamburger counterparts that they would shrink...there was no shrinking with these burgers, so the size you make them is the size they will come out.)
3. Grill or pan fry until cooked through. Top with cheese during last minute of cooking, so that it melts.


I have a left over patty for lunch, and will be cutting it up and tossing it with my left over green salad. The patties could freeze well too, if you don't want to cook them all up. Just freeze them divided, thaw them before cooking, and you're golden. I once made 6 hamburgers, cooked 3 and froze 3. They make for an easy meal later on. :D

He has escaped!

Thursday, August 11th

My baby is officially crawling. He has been unofficially crawling for a while now, for about a week and a half, possibly longer. He has been pushing up on his hands and knees, rocking, then falling to his stomach and sliding backwards. On Sunday he began going from stomach to knees to sitting. He was then crawling about two motions forward, then sitting. Which made him go forward for 2 paces, and backward about 4. The sitting maneuver really impeded his forward progress.

Today was the first day that he actually went forward for several paces before stopping to sit, or pausing on his belly to inspect something. I cannot believe how quickly he went from having a 3 foot radius to having no sense of boundaries at all. He was following me around today as I was getting some laundry done. It is nice to have a little follower, but at the same time I have lost that peace of mind I used to have when I sat him down and walked away. I used to be able to predict where I would find him when I would return, but now all bets are off. He could literally be anywhere.

I didn't realize how terrifying motherhood would be. Every step of the way there has been something that absolutely terrifies me. And it is not that that fear ever really goes away. No. After a while I become immune. Ever so often I am reminded of the reason I was terrified in the first place, but miraculously I am able to get past it.

Examples:

• Holding Riley for the first time while alone in the hospital, I was so scared that I would drop him onto the cold, tile floor of my hospital room. Fast forward to a couple days ago when I had him in bed with us, I became suddenly fearful of dropping him from the bed to the floor as he was climbing all over me.
• Those first few nights in the hospital, I was thankful that Riley was a loud breather. It was easy for me to distinguish his breath. I could hear it from across the room. As he has aged he has grown out of his noisy breathing, which has caused me a lot of anxiety. It was difficult to hear his breath over the rhythmic creaking of the swing, so I would close my eyes and focus until I could hear him breathe. At the beginning of this month we moved Riley into his pack-and-play, as he had grown out of his swing. We also moved him into his own room, and with this move the fear has resurfaced. The little mister loves to sleep on his stomach. Face down, arms up, butt in the air. It is adorable and frightening all at the same time. He puts himself there, every single time. I nursed him to sleep with him next to me on the couch, left him on his side, and shortly after that he rolled to his stomach where he slept for the remainder of his nap.

I could go on like this for days. Before I joined the motherhood club, I knew that babies were fragile. But I sort of thought after the first few weeks to months I would get over being scared/worried/anxious. This is not the case. The trick is to not get consumed by the feelings of anxiety and fear, but to focus more on what Riley is learning and gaining from his discoveries every day. 

I cannot believe how much my heart has grown since little Mr. Boogs was born. He is my precious little angel. :D

I started this post a week ago! Where does the time go?!

The pressure of my profession

There have been a lot of things rolling around in my brain lately. I want to discuss one of those things.

In April, a nurse committed suicide because of a medication error she had made the previous September. The medication error may have played a role in the death of the infant 5 days later. From what I have read, experts cannot say either way if the medication error caused the baby's death or not, as the baby was in a fragile state prior to the error.

What hurts the most are people's reactions to the tragedy. A few people commented on how there was no justice served for the family of the child since the nurse committed suicide. The one comment in particular that shook me was:

"This story is a real shame - that the nurse would take her own life, rather than face justice, only to leave the hospital staff to clean up her mess.

As a parent, especially of an infant or toddler, I would be only satisfied with questions of why. Why my child did you (hospital employee) chose to carry out ill advised medical care? Now that the nurse decided to end her own life, as a parent (hypothetically speaking), I am left without what I'd believe to be true justice. "

You can see one of the articles, and comments/responses here.

It only takes a few harsh/rude/inappropriate comments, in an ocean of supportive/friendly/agreeable comments to rock the boat. But I was not the only one shaken by this person's opinion. It makes me feel that the work I do isn't appreciated. The nurse was not reckless, she had no history of being a "crappy" nurse. She had been working for 24 years and had never made a mistake like this before. But there are people out there that are only satisfied with a public stoning. If I were to make a mistake, there would be people out there making comments similar to this. It is difficult to get "true justice" in a situation such as this. There is no winner, only losers. It terrifies me to my very core that I might find myself here: making an error that causes someone else harm. And to have no one there to pick me up after I fall.

I like to think that my family would support me, and carry me through that dark place of despair, that I would be strong enough to bounce back from such a horrible fall, but I don't know for sure. Depression, regret and guilt are difficult things to fight through, especially when the negative, harsh, unsupportive comments are louder and clearer than the supportive ones. I have to believe that I would persevere. I have to believe that I would be forgiven if I made such an error. Because the opposite is too depressing to think about.

Sweet potatoes, carrots and chicken



This little guy loves his food. We have come a long way in the past month since starting on solids. I have been making most of his food. I did end up buying some baby food to have for convenience purposes, and to take with us when we went camping, but that is another story. :) Also, while I'm sure it is possible to make prunes into a baby food, I don't feel quite that adventurous. So I intend on feeding him store bought prunes ever so often to help with, well, you know.

So far I have made peas, apples and sweet potatoes. He enjoyed all except the peas, though I don't blame him. I have tried everything I've given him (okay so I did not try the prunes, or the store bought peaches simply because they smelt awful. And since his poop after having the peaches smelt more like a peach than the food did, I don't think I'll try that one in the future. And you can bet I won't buy it again either.) The peas were made from canned peas that I rinsed really well, I will try making them again with fresh peas, and probably mix them with some carrots.

Here are a few things I've learned about making homemade baby food:

• A Vita Mix is essential for ultra smooth puree. (Though I'm sure you could get by with your run of the mill blender or food processor)
• While adding breast milk instead of water to the purees provides more calories and nutrients, the convenience of heating the frozen food up in the microwave trumps the higher calorie count. I figure he can just have fresh breast milk straight from the source instead. ;) (If you are new to this, breast milk cannot be heated in a microwave or on the stove; also you cannot use frozen breast milk and then re-freeze it.)
• You cannot put sweet potatoes on the stove to steam and then take a shower. When the water evaporates the sugars from the potatoes burn on the bottom of the pan, creating your own little smoker. And even though the sweet potatoes are perfectly steamed, they now have a distinctively smoked taste to them.
• It is incredibly cheaper to make baby food at home. It is $1.08 (plus tax) for a two pack of baby food. If I mix it with rice cereal, I can get two servings per pack. One sweet potato (which costs on average $2) makes about 12 or more servings, which is a difference of $0.10 per serving.
• If you don't have an ice cube tray (you should get one to freeze the food into perfect portions), you can scoop the food onto a cookie sheet lined with foil. Do not use parchment paper (because the food sort of melts into it) or waxed paper (because if the food is warm, it will melt the paper).

Are you still there? :D I'm getting a bit long winded, so I better get to the whole point of this post:

I read somewhere that breastfed babes stop absorbing as much iron from the breast milk when they begin solids. So, in an effort to increase his iron intake, I decided to introduce meats. After reading up on this, I found that meats are usually best mixed with veggies. Too much protein isn't good for the little one's kidneys. Also the veggies help to mask some of the taste. So after looking around I came up with this recipe. And as you see from the pictures, it was a hit. :D

Sweet Potato, Carrot and Chicken Puree

Ingredients:

1 large sweet potato

1 large carrot

1 boneless, skinless chicken breast; trimmed of fat and tough pieces

1 cup water

1/2 cup apple juice (no sugar added, not from concentrate, pasteurized)

1. Chop up the potato, carrot, and chicken breast.

2. Mix ingredients together in pot.

3. Bring to boil, reduce heat to medium-low and simmer for 20 minutes, or until chicken is cooked through.

4. Spoon out potatoes, carrots and chicken and place in a blender. Add about half of the liquid. Blend. Continue to add liquid until desired consistency is met. I ended up using it all, but needing no additional liquid.

5. Freeze food in baby sized portions.

As you can see, babies aren't the only ones that enjoy this yummy puree. ;)





Chili Tortilla Bake

I wasn't very prepared today. Thursday night Mr. Riley decided he wasn't going to sleep well, so mommy didn't get very much sleep prior to working a 12-hour shift on Friday. He has a sensor that tells him when mommy will be going to work. That means I get about 4 hours of sleep prior to working. And that isn't a continuous 4 hours. So, as you can imagine, I end up needing to recuperate the next day. That brings us back to today. Instead of planning dinner and getting something out of the freezer, I spent my time napping and playing with Riley.

I got online and googled "casserole recipes" and eventually found this one. It was one of the first I looked at, and amazingly enough I had all of the ingredients. Well, sorta. We both liked it, and I will be making it again someday. That means, I will be sharing it with you all, so that you might enjoy it as we did. :D The original recipe can be found here.

Chili Tortilla Bake
Ingredients
-1 pound extra-lean ground beef
-16 ounces canned tomato sauce
-1 can (15 ounces) black beans, rinsed and drained
-1 cup frozen corn (I drained an 8 ounce can of corn, since I didn't have frozen)
-1 can (4 ounces) chopped green chilies
-2 tablespoons dried minced onion (I chopped up a quarter of an onion, since I didn't have this)
-2 tablespoons chili powder
-1 teaspoon ground cumin
-1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
-1/2 teaspoon dried oregano
-Dash of cayenne pepper (I added this to give it a kick)
-6 whole wheat tortillas (8 inches) (I used regular tortillas)
-1 cup shredded cheddar cheese

1. In a large skillet, cook beef over medium heat (with chopped onion if you are using fresh onion like I did) until no longer pink.

2. Stir in the tomato sauce, beans, corn, green chilis, dried onion (if you didn't use fresh), chili powder, cumin, garlic powder, oregano, and cayenne pepper until heated through. Allow it to simmer for a couple minutes, stirring occasionally.

3. The original recipe calls for an 11-in x 7-in baking dish, but I have a Corningware 2-1/2 quart round casserole dish that fit the tortillas perfectly, so I used that instead. Coat whatever dish you decide to use with cooking spray, then layer the beef mixture, tortillas, and cheese until you have no more room to layer. I ended with a tortilla with a sprinkling of cheese on top.

4. Bake for 25-30 minutes at 350. Serve with sour cream if desired.

Take my word for it...

I have a sitter. (I do have pictures, but alas I am that lazy.) It was amazing how fast it happened. One day he had to be supported while sitting all the time, then he was able to sit for about a minute by himself, until now he can sit for several minutes before he decides to reach for something really far away and ends up on his stomach. He also will occasionally fall backwards, but that doesn't happen as often.

Today Riley and I went to Heaven Sent, a children's consignment store. It is in Federal Way, and I forgot all about it until today. I went there way before Riley to visit a friend of mine who worked there. I walked away with a never used grocery cart cover, a barely used board book about trucks, 3 fabric books (one that krinkles which is his favorite noise) that look like they were never used, and 4 pairs of pajamas. All for $25. It was a wonderful day. I was super excited about the books because Riley kept stealing one from my friend's baby the last time we were together. He was also excited about them. :D

I am making dinner right now, so that is it for now.

Questions, Comments, Concerns

Questions
Are you still out there? Do you still read this? I would understand if you've left. It has been forever. Almost 2 months! Where is the time going to? I cannot believe that my baby will be a year in less than 6 months. It has flown by. And you know everyone tells you that it does. But reality doesn't really hit you until you are really in it, at least this is true for me.

Comments
Riley is growing, and it seems that he has just gone through a growth spurt. He is beginning to need larger clothes, and is pretty much fully out of the 0-3 months clothes. He definitely still fits the best in most of the 3 months clothes (except for the pants of most things). He is like me and has longer legs, and a shorter torso, so he grows out of the pants first. Most of the 6 months clothing are too big at the waist. I cannot imagine a baby actually fitting in some of the clothes. (Though I know there are some Budha bellies out there that might.)

Riley has begun on solid food now. I started him out with peas (because it was something I had on hand). I pureed them in my VitaMix, as I plan on making all of his food at least for the first year. He was not a fan of peas. I wasn't sure if it was the taste or the texture, so I waited 3 days and attempted apples. Again, the same thing. He was not a fan. I wanted him to get some extra calories, so I decided to start him on rice cereal.

I had read many places that rice cereal isn't necessary, and decided I wasn't going to introduce it. However, since I wondered if he wasn't ready for solids, or just wasn't a fan of the flavors I had picked out for him, I decided to try it anyway. I pulled out the dry container for my VitaMix and blended brown rice into a powder. The only unfortunate thing is that unlike the store bought variety, you have to cook homemade rice cereal. It is much like oatmeal when you cook it. I make a serving, then divide it into small containers and refrigerate it. He actually loves it.

A couple days ago I added some ripe bananas to it, and he was a big fan of that. He still is pretty messy at the whole eating thing, which means he pretty much needs a bath afterwards, but it is worth it.

I'm out of practice, and have a lot of things to say, but I have a fussy baby in the other room frustrating his daddy. Which means I need to get the booger fed and put to bed soon. Therefore, my writing is jumbled and disorganized, and I apologize.

Concerns
On Friday I took Riley to his 6-month well-baby exam. He weighed in at 12 pounds 14 ounces. This is below the 3rd percentile for weight and she wants me to bring him in again in a month for a weight check. I've known he was small, but he was consistent prior to this. He had been on the same curve since birth, but this weigh in he dropped down quite a bit. So now we are on a mission to fatten my baby up. I'm going to try and drink a lot more water, and make sure he eats well every time. The problem is that he often falls asleep while nursing, so doesn't always empty each side. I'm really focusing now on making him stay awake as long as possible, in hopes that he will get as much milk as possible.

I hope to be back here a bit more frequently. While writing this post I can feel all of the thoughts and feelings I would like to share flooding out of me. I have missed it.

I am still here...again

I've been meaning to post on here for a couple days. I have a couple things I have wanted to talk about:
1) Riley has rolled from stomach to back (several times now). I have posted the video to Facebook, and tried uploading it here, with no luck. I embedded the Facebook video, only to find the quality to be awful, so I just decided posting the video to Facebook was enough. Just know that he cries pretty much the entire time, and tries eating anything he can get to his mouth. This morning his Uncle stopped by, and Riley rolled over for the first time without crying at all during the process. He was actually happy to be on his stomach. That doesn't happen very much.

And

2) The other thing is something that isn't quite as personal. But has struck a chord with me and has been rolling around in my head since I heard about it. I have tried writing about it, but it seems impossible for me to express my thoughts clearly. I'll keep trying.

7 quick takes Friday

1. A few Saturdays ago I went out to a bar expecting to be joined by Jamaal's (and now my) friends. I was pleasantly surprised to be joined by my friends too. Jamaal had wanted to do something special for my birthday, and asked my friends to join us. He told me that everyone couldn't make it. But this wasn't quite true. Kayleen and Stevie did make it. It was a wonderful surprise, and I had a wonderful time. :D

2. I'm back to work now, and not exactly excited about it. The first day back was hard on me. But mostly because we are understaffed and overworked. Yesterday, my fifth day of work, was the first time I left on time. I got all of my charting done on time as well. I even had a pretty busy shift, and still got things done! I was pretty proud of myself. :D It is hard to get to the pump room, and really I should be going to pump more than just once a shift, but it is very hard to get off the floor. Last Saturday was awful. I stayed over for 2 hours, and cried mid shift when I felt overwhelmed and needed to go pump badly. I'm very happy with my decision to decrease to 50%. I have just a little bit over a week left at my current percentage.


3. I feel like working has made me more appreciative of my time with Mr. Riley. I don't pass him to his father as much for diaper changes (unless I have something to do like make dinner or do dishes). I cannot wait to decrease my hours, so I can spend even more time with the little booger.


4. Tomorrow, he will be 4 months old! He is becoming so much more interactive. Last Sunday, Jamaal was playing with him, and he laughed. I was washing dishes and immediately stopped what I was doing and asked Jamaal "Did he just laugh?!" Jamaal didn't realize this was a new thing, because he had done it before for him that day. (Sunday is Jamaal's day to watch Riley while I work.) Turns out he had laughed for my mom on Thursday as well. He has laughed a few times for me, now that I know that he can. It is crazy, because I have been playing with him so much, and he never laughed for me before. I guess I should be happy, because Riley doesn't think I'm as funny looking as everyone else is. ;) His laugh so far almost sounds like a cough, but of course, it is absolutely adorable.

5. Today I went walking around the Supermall with my cousin and her baby. We went into the Carter's store, and I fell in love with all of the Preemie size clothing. Why is it that the smaller something is, the cuter it is? I want a little peanut to dress up in tiny clothing again. :D Especially if it can be wrapped up in pink frilly lace and bows (and not feel guilty about it.) I'm physically not ready to have another baby, but I'm excited about what the future might bring. I do not look forward to having awful heartburn for 9 months and having gestational diabetes again, but I know the end product would be worth it. (Though I'm still hopeful that the next pregnancy will be different, and I won't have gestational diabetes again.) Looking at all the girl clothes made me giddy with excitement. Don't get me wrong, this little boy has stolen my heart, and there are a lot of cute clothes out there that I would love to buy him. But there is something about glitter, ruffles and lace that is absolutely adorable in small sizes. I couldn't leave that store empty handed... :D (I'll share my splurges at a later date.) Here is a preview:

6. I'm looking forward to the end of this month. My mom, aunt and I are going to our annual "Embroidery Party" in Lynnwood. This year will be complicated by a little booger boy. In order to accommodate having a wiggly little body with us, my MIL will be joining us to babysit. The "Party" is two full days of using Embroidery machines to make cute little projects. We go around in groups making the projects, and break for lunch. My MIL and Riley will stay around the hotel, and when he needs mama to eat, she'll bring him to me. He will be the star of the show. There will be oodles of grandma's and mommy's around thirsting for this little guy's attention. It will be an adventure, to say the least. But I'm excited for a few nights away. (And several days off of work in a row!) We will leave Wednesday evening and come home Saturday morning after check out. They had a wonderful breakfast in the hotel, and a nice little snack in the afternoon. Last year I was newly pregnant, and just ever so slightly particular when it came to food. While I wasn't queasy, food just didn't really sound good to me. I had very specific food cravings. And they served sandwiches for lunch (which included lunch meat, which should be heated in a microwave or avoided while pregnant.). If you have ever tried microwaving deli turkey meat you know how bad it tastes. ;) This year I won't have the same issues with food.


7. I have several projects in my craft room that I desperately want to get to. I crave time with my stamps and sewing machine. Hopefully I will be able to finish up organizing my craft room. I have started taking out a lot of the bigger items and a lot of the clutter, so that I can put up some shelves and reorganize everything when I put it back into the room. This means that Mr. Riley's room has become a storage room for my craft items. I need to get this done soon, so perhaps we can get Riley's room suitable for him to use. :D


Wow...I did it. I got this post done in one day. :D

Just wait a little longer!

I've written a 7 quick takes post, but need to add a couple pictures. The memory card, however, is across the room, and a comfy little sleeping babe is on my lap, so I'll have to wait to add the photos. Stay tuned though...I'm still here!

Insert hand in mouth.

Sleeping in the Moby wrap after a walk around the block with mommy and the dogs.  

Sitting in the bumbo. Notice a pattern? Some little guy loves his hands...

He loves sucking on his fingers and hands. He will sometimes get both fists in his mouth. He has had a few bottles, and he will also get his fingers in his mouth, along with the nipple. It's cute, but messy. ;) Yesterday I got him to take a pacifier twice when he was fussy, but later that same day he wouldn't take it. He certainly is a little firecracker. Again, I don't know where he gets that from.