Some hard stuff

It has been quite some time since I last posted. I have a hard time posting when I'm upset about things.

Since the last time I posted, I am completely sickness free, and have been for quite some time. Every day after I posted was better than the one before, until I was no longer sniffly. Poor Jamaal got a taste of it too, though his did not last nearly as long as mine did.

I had a wonderful Baby shower with my friends and my side of the family. (Since Jamaal has soooo many Aunts and girl cousins, we will have a separate party for them.) Only my MIL and Jamaal's Grandma came to this party, and my mom will go to the next one.

We had a total of 8 trick or treaters come to our house this year...plus my 3 nephews. Jamaal bought several bags of candy, and I was giving out very large handfuls, and we still have way too much leftover. It calls to me.

Most of the candy he bought isn't really stuff I like anyway so I've been abstaining pretty well. But there are times when I falter.

If you remember last time I posted that I was waiting the results of my 1-hour glucose test, I found out the next day that I had failed it and needed to do the 3-hour test. The 3-hour test happened on that Saturday, where I was poked a total of 4 times for blood draws, and felt like I was going to puke for most of the 3-hours I spent at the lab.

Then on Monday, I found out I had failed that test too, and had gestational diabetes. I have to test my blood sugar 4 times a day and count carbohydrates in my diet. For the most part my sugars have been very well managed just with controlling my diet. I saw a mid-wife (a different one than the one I meet with normally) a week after getting my glucometer (the device used to check my blood sugar) and she basically told me I was doing too good of a job controlling my sugars. And I broke down crying. She was shocked because she was telling me that I was doing good, but needed to just back down a little bit. I still cry about it if I let myself think about it too much. She told me to eat more. Though now I am having a harder time because my sugars are sometimes higher than the limits she gave me.

I'm constantly frustrated and paranoid about my food now. It is so stressful to think about what will happen an hour after I eat. I find myself crossing my fingers hoping for a good blood sugar. I no longer enjoy eating. It is a task I must perform, and it wears me out. In part, I know that this is good for us. I didn't have the best eating habits prior to this. If I was hungry before I would eat whatever I wanted. I made good choices and bad ones. French fries and ice cream always sound good to me, especially after becoming pregnant.

I always bought fruits and vegetables, but often would throw them out because I would find something tastier to eat. And, besides yogurt on occasion, dairy wasn't really a staple in my diet. Except for cheese of course.

The problem is with my placenta. It creates hormones that make my body have a hard time absorbing sugar. Once the placenta is gone, I won't be diabetic anymore. However, I am at risk of becoming type 2 diabetic later on in life, and any later pregnancies I will most likely have gestational diabetes again. I already knew I was at risk of becoming a type 2 diabetic, as I have it in my family history. But after watching my sugars and seeing how certain foods affect me, I'm really not looking forward to growing older. I like rice, bread, pasta and potatoes, but my sugars suck afterwards.

I started writing this on the 2nd, and now it is the 9th. Since then, I met with my midwife and reviewed my food log and sugar record. I was getting very frustrated, because I was eating more, but my sugars were awful. She pointed out that I needed more protein in my diet, I was so focused on the carbohydrates that I was forgetting about protein. I feel a little bit better now, but I'm not looking forward to reviewing my food log and sugar record with my midwife again. It causes me such stress. I feel like I'll get a bad grade or a slap on the wrist. And I'm even more afraid that I'll burst out in tears again.

Because of all of this, I have to go in to see my midwife weekly from now on. We will have to have Fetal NSTs weekly. Go here for a short summary of what the test measures. This makes me even more stressed out. It is a pretty long drive to Tacoma, and they tell me that this test could take as long as an hour. Then I meet with her after to discuss the results. This Friday is my first one, and I'll have to go to the appointment alone. I'm not looking forward to it. Mostly because I have to work the night before and that night, so I'll be a little sleep deprived for the driving. But also because I'm an emotional wreck and it is easier for me to keep composed if I have someone with me.

Today I got a phone call from "Unknown." I've received enough phone calls from the clinic to know that they always show up as "unknown." Lately, the phone calls have all been upsetting news, so I found myself on the defensive from the start. It was my midwife's nurse. She said I had to have another ultrasound. I immediately retorted "why? I just had one." I had interrupted her though, so she was just calling to add it to one of my appointments later on in the month, it would be before my other appointment, so that was why she was calling. I was kind of snippity with her, but after getting bad or upsetting phone calls, I can't help but think the worst.

Besides having some mild leg swelling after working, some lower back pain (especially after working), some leg cramps that wake me up, and some heartburn attacks everything else is going okay. Watching my belly jolt from side to side, and feeling jabs here and there make me smile.

But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't counting down the days until the end of this pregnancy.