Woe is me.

Gestational Diabetes is difficult. I remember now, all of those thoughts I had shoved into the deep dark corners of my mind. The difficult, trying times I had when pregnant before, that I forced myself to forget about. There's something about a beautiful, warm, wiggly infant that makes you forget everything terrible that happened when he was forming in the womb. I was incredibly hopeful that I might not be diagnosed with GD this time though.

And, okay, my blood sugars are pretty well controlled. I was just barely diagnosed this time. (Meaning I only had one elevated blood sugar during the 2-hour test and it was only a smidge over, but it only takes one elevated blood sugar to diagnose a lady.)

I am better now, at keeping myself satisfied. The first go around I had no understanding of protein. It was difficult for me because my diet before I got pregnant consisted mostly of carbohydrates. This time, my diet was more well rounded. That being said, I still wish I could have a pan of brownies on my stove without worrying that I won't be able to stay away from them. Last night, Riley saw a box that holds a cupcake display on my kitchen table (I borrowed it from my mom for Riley's birthday and haven't returned it yet...) It has pictures of different types of cupcakes being displayed and he said "Cars cupcakes in there?" But cupcakes really comes out something like "cuh-kays." He remembered his birthday cupcakes that had McQueen and Mater on them. Then he really badly wanted to make some. And so did I. But I knew that if I made a bunch of cupcakes, I would also want to eat a bunch of cupcakes, and it is better that I don't right now.

It is kind of funny to me, in a sick way. When I was on Weight Watchers, I could have "dangerous" things in my house. I could make brownies for my husband. I could have made cupcakes for Riley. And I might have had some, but I would have stopped at one. And might not even be tempted, depending on how many points I had available. Whereas now, I don't think I could resist. It is what I crave the most, and my will power is wearing thin. The difference is right now what I eat doesn't just affect me. It also will affect this little wiggly baby. I do not want him to be a huge newborn, and keeping my sugars in control will help that. But also I don't want to have to stay longer in the hospital if his blood sugars won't regulate. And I don't want them to make me supplement if I can help it.

I'm planning my first meals right now, though they might change later on down the road. You better believe a milk shake is one of the first things on my list.

That being said, I'm finding out that sometimes carbs aren't really necessary: I had a lettuce wrapped burger the other day that was really quite tasty! So I was able to have onion rings with it, since I didn't waste my carbohydrates on the bun. It was one of the most satisfying "out to eat" moments I've had. I didn't feel like I was missing out.

The education I got this time was helpful in some ways, but the nurse does not teach carb counting (as I was taught the last time). Instead she tells me I have certain times of the day when I can have certain food groups. I was appalled when she basically told me I could have fruit with dinner, and with a bedtime snack that also had some protein. I'm sorry, but fruit is a big saving grace for me. I need the sweetness to keep me away from brownies and cupcakes and chocolate. And so, I've pretty much taken from her teachings what I want, and count carbs like I have done in the past. One thing she mentioned to me, and I have found to be true, is: if you eat only carbs at bedtime, the fasting blood sugar in the morning will be higher. And this is because as you sleep, your body freaks out because your easy access food supply is burned off rather quickly. So your liver will dump out some sugars to make sure your brain and heart get the sugars they need to function. The problem is, the liver dumps too much, causing elevated fasting blood sugars. However, if you add some protein, the body has to take longer to process it, so the liver doesn't get the message to dump sugars.

Another little thing she told me, was carbs are best eaten 4-5 hours after waking. This is because the body just slowed down all of its processes for sleep, and it takes a while for it to wake up again to process the food we eat. What this boils down to is I cannot tolerate oatmeal in the morning. I have tried twice, and both times my blood sugars have been on the higher side. It is really sad, because I love my oatmeal. And so does little Riley. :) But Adams peanut butter on two slices of low calorie bread with some sliced strawberries on top is really hitting the spot in the morning. I found some Greek yogurt with only 9 carbs in it that really satisfies, so I'll eat a cup of that as well.

But there are really depressing, stomach growling moments where I really wish I could have some ice cream or other carbohydrate, and I long for time to pass more quickly. Tomorrow I will be 33 weeks. Only 5-7 more to go!

Thoughts

~1~

Today I found out I had failed my 2-hour glucose test. (I had failed my 1-hour, so was ordered to take the 2-hour.) I haven't been told my values yet, so I'm not sure how badly I failed. But I'm guessing not that badly. We had decided, at least, that I wouldn't take the 2-hour test if I had failed the 1-hour by a lot. It is a disappointment, of course, to have Gestational Diabetes again. But I'm not as distraught about it as I was the first time around. I am supposed to meet with someone next week to go over my blood sugars and food log, and talk about what I need to do to keep my sugars in control. We'll see when that happens as I work in the early part of the week, so often don't get phone calls. Oh well. I know what I'm doing, mostly. This time around I only have my anniversary (next week!) and the 4th of July to make it through. Otherwise I don't have to suffer through Halloween, Thanksgiving and the possibility of Christmas like I did with Riley. (He was born before Christmas, so I was able to eat some carbs.) 

They will make me to Non-stress tests again and make me come in pretty frequently, so it is going to be tricky finding appropriate child care. I'm going to have issues I'm sure. But Riley cannot come with me to a Non-stress test. I would never be able to sit still with him there! :) 

~2~

Riley has been in his big boy bed for quite some time now. He, just last week, realized that he was able to get out of his bed in the morning. And oh how much Mommy and Daddy are sad about this! He used to sit in his bed, play with some toys for a while before yelling out "Mommmmmy!!" I would then get out of bed and go get him from his room. Mind you this would happen at 9:45 or 10:30. It was wonderful. But now he is getting up at 7:30 or 8 and wandering into the living room. He usually is just fine in there. He will gather up some snacks for mommy or daddy to open for him, and play with toys. But there is some worry that he might cause a ruckus out there alone. Today, when he woke up at 7:15 (and mommy had gone to sleep at 3:15am after watching a few shows with daddy) it was especially painful. Riley came in bed with us for a little bit, but I was worried he would soak through his diaper, so I took him out to the living room. I set up a movie and laid down on the couch, set him up with applesauce, milk and a bar, and closed my eyes. I can't remember when, but he told me he was going to bed, and went in his room and played with his cars there. I slept through the entire movie (Bolt, if you're curious). It wasn't that comfy, but I was glad to have gotten a nap. Daddy got Riley out of his room around 10:45. He is a strange child sometimes. But I love him for it. 

~3~

Naps have kind of become a luxury item around here. He really fights them hard. I think a solution to this issue (and the one I just mentioned) is getting some heavy curtains along with the blinds. It is just too bright in his room! Yesterday he took a good nap for his Papa. And today he is taking an excellent one for me. It has been 3 hours now. I'm thankful for it. But most of the time when he is laid down in his room, he just plays for an hour and a half (and either parent will go in there periodically and ask him to lay down, and stop playing.) before coming out of his room saying he "waked up." When in fact he never went to sleep! :) He's never really been a good sleeper, but on Wednesday afternoon, he put himself to bed. Some days he knows he will feel better after napping. Other days he goes to war!

~4~

This time around I'm particularly worried that something will go wrong. Like the baby will have some congenital defect, or might not make it through the birth. It is a very strong, horrible feeling I have, and I'm struggling with it often. I really try hard to push it out of my mind, but it is difficult to do. I know of at least one other Mama who has admitted to a similar feeling. But it is very difficult to know that Riley is perfect, his birth went beautifully, he has been a healthy little guy, and there are many many things that could have gone wrong. Eventually one of them will, right? Statistics show that problems happen more often than I would like to know. Right now, I'm just not in a place where I should be Googling it, so you will have to live with a generic "things happen" statement. Go ahead and Google it yourself...unless you are also pregnant or trying to conceive. Because some things are just better off not known. Maybe having gestational diabetes is my statistic? Lets hope so...

~5~

I took a while putting groceries away and Googling carbohydrates in foods, so I don't have much more time. Now I need to go prepare and start dinner for Riley and I. So this will have to do for now. :)

Mr. Riley and the W's & Mr. Riley bakes

My dear son's love of BMW's continues. For fun, I take him to the local park and ride garage, and we slowly drive through looking at BMW's, Audi's and Volkswagen's. It is his candy store. He's always so sad to leave. He now calls all parking garages "the W garage."

Some days in order to get him to put his shoes on it helps to call his shoes "W shoes." Anything BMW related, and he's in.

Jamaal has been driving a new-to-him Jetta. He bought it from his other work because he loves white old body style Jetta's, and he needed a car to drive while his Audi is in the shop. But we have had a BMW from his work (and therefore it is a "dealer" car) in our driveway for quite some time now. Riley is obsessed with it, of course. In order for him to be okay with us not driving it, I had to tell him it was broken. So everyday, he says, "Daddy fix-it W." Sometimes this is a question, ("Will daddy fix the BMW today?") and other times it is a command/request ("Please fix the BMW, Daddy!"). Jamaal has not been able to drive it, because he hasn't had a license plate to put on it. So it isn't exactly broken, but missing an important part. Well, on Thursday, Jamaal got a plate from his work. When he went to work, and Riley dragged me out on the porch to watch him leave, (as is our routine) daddy left in the W. Shock. Anger. And very likely some jealousy overwhelmed my poor boy. He was very hurt that his daddy would take his W, without him. He watched him leave, but once I set him back down in the house, he was throwing toys, kicking off his shoes. He was very, very upset. He started saying "'Mere Daddy, Volkswagen." (Meaning: "Come here Daddy, and take your Volkswagen") Then he started saying: "See it W." Followed by some fake, very pathetic tear-less crying. He wanted so badly to go for a ride in the W. It was unfair that his daddy got to ride in it and he did not. I felt badly for the kid, but it was pretty comical the way he reacted. I told Jamaal how upset he had made his son, and his response was that Riley could ride in it the following day. But, I explained, Riley didn't understand that. Besides, he didn't see it coming. (And I didn't either.) Sometimes a little preparation goes a long way for a toddler. :)

*                                  *                                  *

He loves to help me bake. And honestly he is pretty good at helping me. So far he has helped me make banana bread, cookies, pancakes, frosting, and cinnamon rolls. He's helped with frosting a couple times. He likes that the most because he gets to taste more. He's had a couple bites of cookie dough (who can resist anyway?) but I only let him have a little bit. He is getting better and better at bringing a full cup of flour or sugar to the bowl and dumping without making a mess. He has had a couple problems, but it isn't too bad. I have spilled as much as he has before.

One night when we were making the cinnamon rolls, we had to stop to let the dough rise. That meant we would not be able to eat any finished product. (And it was getting late so I decided to finish the rolls the next day. Well Riley didn't understand this. So, we pulled out the cookie dough balls from the freezer and put some on a cookie sheet. He is a typical toddler and likes things in a certain order. He lined them up on the cookie sheet.

So mommy said, "Riley, we need to put them about 1-2 inches apart. Like this." And I showed him what I meant, by spreading them out. He immediately began helping me, forming a line of dough balls along the top of the sheet instead.

I was cracking up laughing. And had to capture a picture of it. He did it quite a few times, with me trying to show him what I meant, and him lining them up instead. Eventually I had to literally hold him back so that I could cook the cookies. He was upset, and crying out "No! No!" but once they were in the oven I had him look through the oven window and watch them bake. He eventually got over it. Oh the joys of toddler-hood. :)

And here is my minion helping with the frosting, as we waited for the cinnamon rolls to rise. He moves so much, I can never capture him. But you get the idea, frosting is yummy!

All about Riley

I haven't posted a lot about my little man lately, but I've been wanting to. He is at an age where I find myself saying "I'm going to miss the way he says...." Eventually his grammar and pronunciation will become correct. And it will hurt me a little when that happens. Perhaps I could home school and keep all of his cute words the way he says them now? ;)

And so...a little about Mr. Riley:

Coming is: Come-meem.

Sleeping is: Seeping.

He screams barking! at the dogs when they are barking. Telling them to be quiet, as I so often do. :)

Pizza is pronounced: Fot-see. We don't know why...I have gotten in the habit of calling it fotsee myself. :)

My husband loves cars, and his love has rubbed off on our son. Riley adores cars. Plays with them all the time (along with his trains) and pays attention to any car driving or parked that he sees. He can identify a BMW, Volkswagen, or Audi. He can pick out a van as something that his Grandma drives. He knows his favorite cousin, Connor, often rides in a Yukon (he picks them out regardless of color, by pointing at one and saying "Connor?"). But, by far, his favorite car is a BMW, which he calls simply W. I drive a Volkswagen, and for some time my husband has been driving BMW's. Mr. Riley will often get upset if we are taking my car. He would prefer to ride in a W any day  Doesn't matter the condition, or year. If it has a BMW emblem on it, he's a fan. Today my husband traded the BMW for an Audi, and he (my husband) dreaded telling Riley. Last night, he said "Riley isn't going to be happy." We have a little car snob. :) Riley and I went for a walk the other day, and we passed by 3 different BMWs. I know this because somebody pointed them out to me as we went by. ;)

He really doesn't want Mommy to take pictures of him. He will put his hands up in front of his face, or whatever is in his hands at the moment to prevent me from getting a good shot. 

But I take a lot of pictures so I sometimes get a decent one of the kid. :) This was at a mini park by our house. He spent most of the visit running and yelling "Go! Go! Go!"

I know there are a lot of other things he does that are cute. But I can't think of them at the moment.

14 weeks

This photo was taken 14 weeks and 1 day. :) (added after posting...)

On Thursday I had an appointment with my midwife. It wasn't anything too exciting. Just a physical exam, ahem, of my lady parts. It is always a bit uncomfortable, but I really like my midwife so it wasn't so bad. She is going to be perfect for me and Jamaal. I had remembered her telling me at my last appointment that I would need to do a 1 hour glucose tolerance test at this appointment. But I wasn't 100% sure. So I had a bar with only 9 carbohydrates and some water as I was leaving in the morning.

Turns out I had the opportunity to take the lab slip and do it at my convenience, but I decided to get it over with. Since I had prepared myself, and had a babysitter for the booger. I chose fruit punch this time and it really wasn't that bad. Though I did get terrible heartburn. I took zofran beforehand, but didn't even think about heartburn. Next time I'll remember. ;)

Since I have issues with my thyroid she also wanted the lab to draw my thyroid levels. Just to be sure all was fine. The person who drew my blood used a very large needle and it really really hurt. I was a bit annoyed. It hurt the rest of the day, and that has never happened to me before. He could have used a smaller needle.

I celebrated with some sushi followed by a trip to Costco afterwards. :) It was lovely.

Friday afternoon I got a phone call from my midwife I passed the glucose test. Very exciting. Of course I will have to repeat the test again later on, but I'm glad to know I can eat some carbs right now. Unfortunately it wasn't all good news. My TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) was low. It was 0.24 and the normal range starts at 0.45. So it is quite a bit low. But the nurse that filled out my requisition did not check the box to also check the T3 and T4 levels. These are the free hormones, the TSH stimulates their release. So, in theory, a person could have low TSH but still have adequate hormones  However, we will have to have a redraw to make sure the levels are okay. Otherwise I will have to take some thyroid medication. (And that means some more testing of my levels I'm sure.) So fingers crossed they are normal. I've never had a problem with my levels before. At least that I remember. I feel like my TSH was on the low side with Riley, but we didn't need to do anything. We'll see. I'll go get my levels drawn next week. She said she would call me with the results once she had them.

I've decided to be more active. Because I have been gaining weight a bit too fast for my taste. I only want to gain 25 pounds total and I've already gained 8. Blech. I really wish food wasn't so good!

In other news I got a phone call last night from the fraud department at my credit union. Someone had stolen my card (or card number) and had made purchases on my behalf. I still had my card (it is now shredded) so it leads me to believe they had stolen my information from some online account. I'm really annoyed that people do this. I feel violated. But I'm glad my credit union has a fraud division, and they realized it wasn't me. They were able to charge $1400 to my debit card. $1000 at Macy's and $400 at Victoria Secret. They apparently attempted a few other places like Best Buy but were declined. They have a $2000 limit (or is it $2500?) set on our debit card purchases per day so that is probably why it was declined. And also why the fraud division was alerted. So on Tuesday after work I will have to stop by my credit union to get it all straightened out. And to get a new debit card. I'm a little sad, because I have had the same pin for the life of my debit account and should probably change it now. I have no idea how they were able to use my card without physically having it. Because it appears it wasn't an online purchase. Who knows. It will all work itself out in the end.

13 weeks

Today I am 13 weeks. I have officially begun the 2nd trimester. It is surreal, because it seems to have flown by (although I remember thinking it was taking forever around week 6 or so). I am finally getting some of my energy back, which is a wonderful feeling. But it also helps that Riley has been waking up at 0930 or 1000 some days. I definitely appreciate it when that happens. :)

I have some fears for the future, especially once the babe is born, because Riley never slept. And I just don't know how I would be able to function with two tots to look after. I just keep hoping that this baby will know how to sleep. We'll see though.

Some gripes:

- I got the bill for the lab draw they did at the start of my pregnancy and I am floored by it. $696.30 for the labs alone. (Thankfully we have insurance so it only cost us $211, but still. It is frustrating.) It is even more irritating that $300 worth of the tests were for a tox screen. Ahem. I could have told them the results of that one. Absolutely zilch. I don't even think I've had Tylenol in the recent past. (Oddly enough Tylenol is often included in toxicology screens.) Even testing for Hepatitis C was a little uncalled for. However, I could have been exposed to it at work, so I would have let that one slide. Needless to say I'll be paying closer attention to what they draw from me in the future. If there is a baby #3, I need to remember this.

- Today some sciatica pain has started up for me. I'm not thrilled that it has started this soon. But I know women out there will sympathize with me. I need to find a chiropractor, I've been saying this for years now, but I just don't know who to trust.

- I have nothing to wear. Nothing, that looks appealing on me anyway. I feel frumpy in my maternity clothes, and uncomfortable in my normal person clothes. I'm a little sad that most of my maternity clothes are too big, even the jeans, because I was smaller when I got pregnant this time than I was when I got pregnant with Riley. Right now I'm wearing a skirt and shirt, and feel okay, but it is freezing out there! What I need to get are some leggings/tights, I'm going to go on Amazon after this to search for some.

- I'm hungry again. I mean, eat what is in sight, if food isn't in sight, find food and put it in my sight, all day long, hungry. This happened with Riley and I gained way too much way too fast, and ended up with gestational diabetes. I need to get better at being careful. Today I bought some foods at Trader Joe's that will hopefully help me. (Like fruits and vegetables and Greek yogurt. Fage is my favorite. And some frozen foods for Riley and I to have for dinners instead of thinking about fast food.) I'm not perfect, but I'm trying to be better.

- Heartburn is starting yet again. So far it has only been at night, but I'm sure very soon it will be a 24-7 issue as it was with Riley.

Some positives:

- The nausea is nearly gone. Okay so it wasn't as bad as other women's experiences with morning sickness. I never lost my cookies. I was able to eat through it (though many times it was cheese and crackers or something bland). But it was incredibly uncomfortable to be gagging and dry heaving out of nowhere. (Not to mention making people around me uncomfortable.) Sometimes I wished that I could puke, just to make it stop, and to have some relief. But instead, Zofran saved the day. Around week 9 was the worst, and I took Zofran nearly every day. Smells can still trigger it, but it is nothing like it used to be.

- I've already mentioned that my energy is coming back. But it is a positive. I finally feel like doing something else other than sleep or sit.

-Since week 8 I've been showing. Now it is quite prominent, not necessarily something a stranger might point out, but my family and friends can see it for sure. It is definitely the best part about being pregnant, looking pregnant, feeling pregnant. I have to be honest, there have been times where I've forgotten that I am pregnant. :) Pretty soon that will be a little bit tough. I swear I've been feeling the bean doing flips, but I'm pretty sure it is just peristalsis. ;) I can't wait to have boxing matches with the little booger.

Random post from December that went unpublished.

Random post I had started but not finished in December. I want to post it simply because I want to remember some of this. :)

November 25th & 27th, 2012
I had some slight spotting and cramping so I was sure I was going to start my period soon. You see, if you remember from this post we had decided to wait before having another child. I put Jamaal in charge of using condoms, but he chose to not use them a little too soon. When I thought my period was going to start, I got a little sad, because while I agreed to wait, that pocket in my heart was yearning to be filled.

December 4th
I rode the bus to and from work. On the way home, I felt nauseated. To the point where I was looking for a place that it would be safe for me to expel my stomach contents into. (I decided upon my lunch box, if you were curious.) It was then I realized that it had been a week since I thought my period was going to start. So I went to the dollar store and bought 9 tests. Turns out I only needed one. :) but secretly I've used 3 just to make sure. 

December 5th
I called to make an appointment with my midwife to see about an ultrasound to check for my actual due date. But it could be anywhere from July 29th to August 6th. I have the unfortunate predicament of feeling like I'll have this baby early as well (Riley came 2 weeks early). But I just don't feel like I'd be that lucky. Especially with a summer baby. :) I'm feeling queasy off and on. But also feeling hungry a lot too. I feel like I am about 3 months pregnant right now, I am so very bloated. It makes me just a little nervous for it to be twins. (knowing my luck they would be both boys.) ;)

I'm thinking we will tell our families on Christmas. And everyone else later on in the week. :)

(We ended up telling our family at Riley's birthday party. And everyone else around Christmas time.)