Today I forced myself to go in and get weighed. I was a little disappointed, because my home scale read 3-4 pounds lighter, but I dealt with it. It is my starting point. It is my kick-start to get losing.
Graham will be 4 weeks tomorrow. And I have 24 pounds to lose. That's about 1.5 pounds a week if I do it as quickly as before. Full disclosure: I raised my goal weight by a few pounds, because I was finding it difficult to maintain the original weight I picked before I got pregnant. I only raised it by 3 pounds, because I would rather be happy and healthy, than stressed and healthy. :P And hey, if I'm able to lose more and maintain it this time, I'll go for that too. :)
But honestly, I'm really not ready to start this weight loss journey. Junk food tastes good! Sweets make me happy. Celebrations are on their way! Halloween. Thanksgiving. Riley's 3rd birthday! Christmas. Plus Fall brings so many comfort foods and baked goods. And I love baking.
I told myself I would not find myself right back here, but here I am again. I went back and read all my posts related to weight loss, and wouldn't you know, the same themes and feelings are current in my life now. The first one is here.
Here I am post baby #2 and I'm not happy with my outward appearance. I look at myself in the mirror and I'm disgusted. I do not feel attractive, naked or clothed. I fear it will have some affect on the already strained relationship with my husband. So you would think that my motivation would be there. That I would be driven to lose, and yet the opposite is true. I'm clinging to food like it is a long lost friend. (After having gestational diabetes yet again, in some ways food is a long lost friend.) But I know that I should not use food as an outlet for my emotions; as a blanket to comfort me. I know. I have been here before. I know the journey. I know the program works. I know I'll feel and look amazing once the weight is off. But it seems like an eternity away. And homemade Oreo ice cream tastes good in the here and now.
In many ways I'm nervous that the weight won't come off like it did before. I'm also scared that the flabby belly I'm carrying around with me won't shrink back down. Why didn't I take pictures of my body after I lost the weight before? (I know why I didn't take before pictures, but now I wish I had them. Because I'm sure my body looks similar now, but I don't remember it ever being this bad.)
And then I need to remember that when I joined Weight Watchers, Riley was 9 months old. I had my fill of baked goods and fast food, and was tired of hoping the weight would fall off. I see it all the time on Facebook: My baby is 6 weeks old and I'm back in my pre-pregnancy jeans! or After 2 months I can say I weigh less than I did before I got pregnant!
And perhaps these ladies only gained the 15-20 pounds that the books tell you is healthy. (Though I just looked it up and the Mayo Clinic says 25-35 pounds is healthy for a person of normal BMI before getting pregnant.) I didn't do as bad as I thought. But...full disclosure...I gained 45 extra pounds. My willpower is awfully weak. (And my first trimester nausea is not strong enough!) But, hey! I'm consistent. I gained 45 pounds with Riley as well. I told myself I wouldn't...and honestly I did do better this time with my food choices, but here I am. And I have digressed, but I really do have to think about un-friending, and or hiding the aforementioned lucky ladies. (Just so you know, it takes a lot of willpower for me to not use a curse word to describe them.) :) But seriously, they should be happy, but seeing their good fortune just makes me focus on how I am not as lucky.
Where am I going with this?
This is my honest post on my weight loss journey. My struggles. Because it is okay to have ups and downs with weight. Because it is okay for someone who made Lifetime status to struggle too. Because I am human too. And I will lose this weight.
I went in today, despite not wanting to see that number on the scale, in order to hold myself accountable. I've been weighing myself at home and I have had some weight loss, but the last couple weeks I've been pretty stable. So I suppose it is time to get serious and start tracking. I mentioned before that I read over all of the weight loss posts that I shared before, and I found this (It was in a post after my first weight loss, I lost 1.6 pounds but was a little disappointed, expecting more of a loss.):
"And then I sat down and the meeting was exactly what I needed to hear. The leader read a poem about a pound of fat. The message was that people tend to say "I only lost a pound." Or "it was just a pound." And saying things like that make it seem like it isn't an accomplishment. When really the weight will be lost one pound at a time. She then equated it to a puzzle, and how a person doesn't approach a puzzle thinking they will throw several pieces together at a time; instead a person approaches a puzzle with one piece at a time. Obviously I have truncated the message, but hopefully you get the idea." (You can find the post here)
So, here I go. One puzzle piece at a time.
Hey Friend! It looks like I said all the wrong things in our text messages to try and motivate you. I'm sorry :(
ReplyDeleteBut one thing I was thinking would be great to keep in mind is your son. Look down at your beautiful baby and remember that the changes your body went through were to bring him into the world. And Riley. And I do think/hope that your hubs recognizes that, too. I know it's not going to make you feel better about your body being not the way you want it right now, but I think it helps to go a little bit easier on yourself and realize how much you have accomplished as a mama of 2!
My tummy is still squishy, even though it's smaller. I pretty much expect it to stay that way until I get a gym membership, but by that time we may have another baby on the way, so who knows if I'll be able to really do anything for my abs? :) But I still want to do some cardio, I want the next pregnancy to be easier than the last in terms of energy and yes, weight gain. Weight Watchers is great, but I'm hoping I can add more exercise in here in the next few years. I think it will probably help to maintain the weight loss?
Anyways, I'm just blabbing but I am glad you did write this all down. Did it help to get it in writing? I already see you have another post for today and it looks upbeat! Love ya. Thanks for all your help on my journey (which is still going on) let's keep motivating one another! ;)
When I was in this place, I don't think there was anything anyone could have said to help me feel better. It was something I had to fight on my own. While I am not completely happy with my body or how I'm looking quite yet (I won't be until I get back down to my favorite numbers)I am feeling better than when I wrote this post. It for sure helped me to write my feelings down. It motivated me to start over. To be honest with myself. To think about what I'm putting in my body. I don't want to find myself back at this weight again (unless we somehow find ourselves pregnant for a third time...) and that means I need to eat more healthfully.
ReplyDeleteI do not expect to have a washboard stomach or rippling muscles, but I would prefer a midsection that does not have a baked good as a nickname. ;) Soft and squishy is much more comfortable for the babies (as I think you have said before.) ;)