9 months

Three more months and I will have a one year old. He will probably be toddling or close to it by then. For as long as he has been crawling, he has been pulling himself up to standing on the furniture, or in his crib. If there is something on the ground he will try to use it to get him to standing. He is now starting to let go of the objects and stand independently for seconds at a time. Once he realizes what he is doing, he will either sit down, fall down, or re-grab the surface he used to stand up with. I can't believe it. When he first starting pulling himself up, he was so wobbly I thought he would never learn to walk. :D (Of course I knew it would happen eventually, but he looked so unsteady I couldn't imagine him mastering it in the near future.)

Now, he is quickly moving around our coffee table, transferring from the table to the couches, and back again. It is quite exhausting just watching the little guy move around and around and around. :D

Today, I took him in for his 9-month check up. I've been worried about this appointment for a while now. I know I have a small baby. I know he isn't gaining weight like most babies his age do. But I also know that he is healthy, and acts normal, and is a happy little guy. So I was worried that my doctor would recommend testing to figure out if there is something causing him to gain weight slowly. I would be hesitant to do any tests at this time, especially since they would most likely just conclude that I have a small baby. So, my son would go through testing (and therefore pain, discomfort and/or annoyance) for no reason. If there was any telling sign of some sort of problem, then I would agree to tests, but he is an otherwise healthy little man.

So, as the medical assistant weighed him and found him to be 13 pounds 15.5 ounces, my heart dropped. At his eight month weigh in, he was 14 pounds 5 ounces. Left alone in the exam room, I stared at the scale thinking I needed to weigh him again. That weight just could not be right. When the doctor came in, she plotted his weight on his growth chart, she noted how small he was, then slowly realized he had lost weight from his previous weigh in. As the patient, or the patient's mother it is easy to forget that the doctor doesn't always remember every detail about every patient they encounter. She did a full exam on him and after I got his fresh diaper on, she looked at the scale.

"Let's check the scale, and make sure it is balanced" she said. You know I had my fingers crossed, hoping it wasn't. It is an old type scale, one that has a bar you have to level by moving the markers to the correct weight.  She adjusted the scale, and sure enough, it wasn't balanced. He really weighed 14 pounds 12 ounces! Relief washed over me. He did not gain very much (only 7 ounces in a month), but he gained. And at this point I would take a gain of anything over a loss. He eats breast milk, formula and solid food daily. I give him formula when he nurses on both sides and still seems a bit hungry. And since I've known he is a small baby, I want him to get as many calories as I can shove down his throat. ;)

Then my doctor and I talked about how difficult it is to get extremely active babies to gain weight, as he is burning up the calories right as I give them to him. Most of the time he is wiggling even while eating. She cleared him to be seen next at his year check up for shots and an exam. But said I could come in to weigh him between now and then. I'm not happy, with the results, but I am relieved. I'm encouraged that he gained 7 ounces this month (which is 2 ounces more than the previous month). I'm going to shoot for a 10 ounce (or more!) gain for next month. If only it were as difficult for me to gain weight...haha!

Inspired

Last night I finished reading The Help. It left me feeling so jittery, and inspired, and thankful, all at the same time. It was 11 pm and I was tired, so I went to bed, and proceeded to lay there with my mind going 100 mph. Jamaal's breathing slowed and became rhythmic after only 20 minutes or so, and I was left alone with my thoughts. He rarely falls asleep before I do, and I am not a fan.

At just before 1 am I finally drifted off, but it was short lived. Riley woke up at 1:15, and since I was basically still awake, I got up to nurse him back to sleep. He didn't seem as though he was going to let up and fall asleep anyway. It didn't take long to get him back to sleep, but those thoughts were back to torment me again. After getting up to wash my face, and a few rounds of angry birds I finally felt my eyes become heavy and off to sleep I went.

For some reason Riley woke up again at 4:30, I'm hopeful that he is going through a growth spurt, my little man needs to get bigger. By 5 I was back in bed, and quickly asleep. I should be thankful, that for the past month, I have been getting regular sleep of 4-8 hour stretches. I can't even remember the days when he would sleep for 1-3 hours at a time. Last night I was reminded what it used to be like, but not nearly as bad as it was back then. If I could have shut off my mind, I would have gotten a lot more sleep.

It seems strange to me, but after reading the book, I became inspired to write one of my own. I know myself well enough to know that I will not follow through on this. After starting as a nurse 4 years ago, I had a brilliant idea to start a book on being a nurse. I wanted to encourage new nurses that it gets better. That there is a light at the end of the tunnel. After 9 months of working, I finally felt some confidence. I finally would make it through a week without crying while at work. I finally was able to enjoy my coworkers, my patients, their families and my personality was finally coming through. Prior to that I was so focused on my tasks that I had no energy left to enjoy it.

I wrote little snippets here and there when the ideas struck me. But my inspiration quickly dissipated and I stopped. I don't even know if I have my notes anymore.

Last night the inspiration returned. This time though, I wanted to share stories of the people I have encountered at work. I have met some wonderful people. They are the ones that make me feel honored to be a nurse. When working with them, I don't feel the burden of my job, but I feel blessed to have been a part of their life, and them a part of mine.

But I've also worked with some extremely difficult patients and their families. And of course it is these situations that float up to the top. They are the ones that leave me with a bad taste in my mouth. And I wonder if they were to read about how rude, inconsiderate, and selfish they have been, would they make a change? Would it help others if they knew just what exactly it is like to be the nurse caring for difficult patients? Maybe, "please" and "thank you" would come out just a little bit more.

I literally stood outside the door of one particularly difficult patient's room and thought to myself: "It is not worth losing your job over." I wanted so badly to yell back at her, and tell her how rude she was being to everyone that had worked with her. But I knew that just would not be appropriate. Instead, I asked to get a different patient at 3pm, and passed her off to a different nurse. 8 hours of working with her was just too much time for me.

I think I will start trying to jot down notes as they come to me. But I doubt I will ever end up with a published book. There are so many logistics related to patient privacy and confidentiality, that I don't  know if I would be allowed to publish it anyway.

If you haven't read The Help yet, I suggest you do it. It was a very easy read, and if I did not have housework, work and a baby to look after, I would have finished reading it the day I bought it. I would have stayed up through the night reading if I could. I plan on writing a bit more on the book itself someday, but for now I must attend to a screaming, tired babe.

My VitaMix

My parents got Jamaal and I a VitaMix for Christmas last year. (Okay, okay, because it was an expensive gift, it was labeled to both of us, but Jamaal really didn't care for, or understand why we received it. After a quick google search shortly after, he didn't understand why it was as expensive as it was either. But I digress). He told me that I better put it to use. I think I have done a decent job of that so far. It is amazing for making baby food. And I have made Riley a rice cereal by grinding brown rice in the dry container. (You can make flour too, but I haven't done that yet.) Smoothies are simple, and I have made several. Some have been better than others. 


Last night I decided to go a bit further out of my comfort zone. I decided I was going to make chicken burgers. I looked in the instruction booklet and found out how to mince onion. I followed the instructions adding onion, green pepper and 2 cloves of garlic. The VitaMix minced them for me. I set them aside, rinsed out the container and looked into grinding meat. I again followed the instructions and ground up 2 chicken breast halves. It made a very smooth ground chicken. I was amazed by how smooth it was. 


While I wish I could say that this meal won over my husband's opinion of the VitaMix (I still don't think he is convinced it is quite worth how expensive it was), I will have to save that for a later date. I will work on learning new ways to use the machine, in an attempt to prove that it really is more than just an eyesore. A downside to the VitaMix, is that it takes up quite a bit of space on my counter.


My vision was a juicy, tasty, healthy chicken burger. However, the finished product came out a little dry. And that is not the VitaMix's fault. I still stand by my VitaMix, it is the best blender I will ever own. And I will try grinding meat again in the future, that was not the issue. The issue was my execution. Even though it needs some tweaking, I will share my recipe with you, just keep in mind that it needs something else to really make it pop. :D


Ground Chicken Burgers
Ingredients
1 lb ground chicken (store bought or home ground)
1/4 of a large onion, minced
1/4 of a green pepper, minced
2 cloves of garlic, minced
1 tsp. sesame oil
1-2 Tbsp. soy sauce
1-2 tsp. chicken seasoning (I used a seasoning for beer can chicken)
4 slices of cheddar or Swiss cheese (if desired)


1. Mix all the ingredients (minus the cheese) in a med/large bowl, it is easiest to use your hands for this. (I buy non-latex gloves at Costco for touching meat, cleaning, and picking up gross stuff my dogs leave for me)
2. Divide the mixture into 4 (or more) equal parts and press into patties. (I made 3 burgers, thinking, that like their hamburger counterparts that they would shrink...there was no shrinking with these burgers, so the size you make them is the size they will come out.)
3. Grill or pan fry until cooked through. Top with cheese during last minute of cooking, so that it melts.


I have a left over patty for lunch, and will be cutting it up and tossing it with my left over green salad. The patties could freeze well too, if you don't want to cook them all up. Just freeze them divided, thaw them before cooking, and you're golden. I once made 6 hamburgers, cooked 3 and froze 3. They make for an easy meal later on. :D

He has escaped!

Thursday, August 11th

My baby is officially crawling. He has been unofficially crawling for a while now, for about a week and a half, possibly longer. He has been pushing up on his hands and knees, rocking, then falling to his stomach and sliding backwards. On Sunday he began going from stomach to knees to sitting. He was then crawling about two motions forward, then sitting. Which made him go forward for 2 paces, and backward about 4. The sitting maneuver really impeded his forward progress.

Today was the first day that he actually went forward for several paces before stopping to sit, or pausing on his belly to inspect something. I cannot believe how quickly he went from having a 3 foot radius to having no sense of boundaries at all. He was following me around today as I was getting some laundry done. It is nice to have a little follower, but at the same time I have lost that peace of mind I used to have when I sat him down and walked away. I used to be able to predict where I would find him when I would return, but now all bets are off. He could literally be anywhere.

I didn't realize how terrifying motherhood would be. Every step of the way there has been something that absolutely terrifies me. And it is not that that fear ever really goes away. No. After a while I become immune. Ever so often I am reminded of the reason I was terrified in the first place, but miraculously I am able to get past it.

Examples:

• Holding Riley for the first time while alone in the hospital, I was so scared that I would drop him onto the cold, tile floor of my hospital room. Fast forward to a couple days ago when I had him in bed with us, I became suddenly fearful of dropping him from the bed to the floor as he was climbing all over me.
• Those first few nights in the hospital, I was thankful that Riley was a loud breather. It was easy for me to distinguish his breath. I could hear it from across the room. As he has aged he has grown out of his noisy breathing, which has caused me a lot of anxiety. It was difficult to hear his breath over the rhythmic creaking of the swing, so I would close my eyes and focus until I could hear him breathe. At the beginning of this month we moved Riley into his pack-and-play, as he had grown out of his swing. We also moved him into his own room, and with this move the fear has resurfaced. The little mister loves to sleep on his stomach. Face down, arms up, butt in the air. It is adorable and frightening all at the same time. He puts himself there, every single time. I nursed him to sleep with him next to me on the couch, left him on his side, and shortly after that he rolled to his stomach where he slept for the remainder of his nap.

I could go on like this for days. Before I joined the motherhood club, I knew that babies were fragile. But I sort of thought after the first few weeks to months I would get over being scared/worried/anxious. This is not the case. The trick is to not get consumed by the feelings of anxiety and fear, but to focus more on what Riley is learning and gaining from his discoveries every day. 

I cannot believe how much my heart has grown since little Mr. Boogs was born. He is my precious little angel. :D

I started this post a week ago! Where does the time go?!

The pressure of my profession

There have been a lot of things rolling around in my brain lately. I want to discuss one of those things.

In April, a nurse committed suicide because of a medication error she had made the previous September. The medication error may have played a role in the death of the infant 5 days later. From what I have read, experts cannot say either way if the medication error caused the baby's death or not, as the baby was in a fragile state prior to the error.

What hurts the most are people's reactions to the tragedy. A few people commented on how there was no justice served for the family of the child since the nurse committed suicide. The one comment in particular that shook me was:

"This story is a real shame - that the nurse would take her own life, rather than face justice, only to leave the hospital staff to clean up her mess.

As a parent, especially of an infant or toddler, I would be only satisfied with questions of why. Why my child did you (hospital employee) chose to carry out ill advised medical care? Now that the nurse decided to end her own life, as a parent (hypothetically speaking), I am left without what I'd believe to be true justice. "

You can see one of the articles, and comments/responses here.

It only takes a few harsh/rude/inappropriate comments, in an ocean of supportive/friendly/agreeable comments to rock the boat. But I was not the only one shaken by this person's opinion. It makes me feel that the work I do isn't appreciated. The nurse was not reckless, she had no history of being a "crappy" nurse. She had been working for 24 years and had never made a mistake like this before. But there are people out there that are only satisfied with a public stoning. If I were to make a mistake, there would be people out there making comments similar to this. It is difficult to get "true justice" in a situation such as this. There is no winner, only losers. It terrifies me to my very core that I might find myself here: making an error that causes someone else harm. And to have no one there to pick me up after I fall.

I like to think that my family would support me, and carry me through that dark place of despair, that I would be strong enough to bounce back from such a horrible fall, but I don't know for sure. Depression, regret and guilt are difficult things to fight through, especially when the negative, harsh, unsupportive comments are louder and clearer than the supportive ones. I have to believe that I would persevere. I have to believe that I would be forgiven if I made such an error. Because the opposite is too depressing to think about.

Sweet potatoes, carrots and chicken



This little guy loves his food. We have come a long way in the past month since starting on solids. I have been making most of his food. I did end up buying some baby food to have for convenience purposes, and to take with us when we went camping, but that is another story. :) Also, while I'm sure it is possible to make prunes into a baby food, I don't feel quite that adventurous. So I intend on feeding him store bought prunes ever so often to help with, well, you know.

So far I have made peas, apples and sweet potatoes. He enjoyed all except the peas, though I don't blame him. I have tried everything I've given him (okay so I did not try the prunes, or the store bought peaches simply because they smelt awful. And since his poop after having the peaches smelt more like a peach than the food did, I don't think I'll try that one in the future. And you can bet I won't buy it again either.) The peas were made from canned peas that I rinsed really well, I will try making them again with fresh peas, and probably mix them with some carrots.

Here are a few things I've learned about making homemade baby food:

• A Vita Mix is essential for ultra smooth puree. (Though I'm sure you could get by with your run of the mill blender or food processor)
• While adding breast milk instead of water to the purees provides more calories and nutrients, the convenience of heating the frozen food up in the microwave trumps the higher calorie count. I figure he can just have fresh breast milk straight from the source instead. ;) (If you are new to this, breast milk cannot be heated in a microwave or on the stove; also you cannot use frozen breast milk and then re-freeze it.)
• You cannot put sweet potatoes on the stove to steam and then take a shower. When the water evaporates the sugars from the potatoes burn on the bottom of the pan, creating your own little smoker. And even though the sweet potatoes are perfectly steamed, they now have a distinctively smoked taste to them.
• It is incredibly cheaper to make baby food at home. It is $1.08 (plus tax) for a two pack of baby food. If I mix it with rice cereal, I can get two servings per pack. One sweet potato (which costs on average $2) makes about 12 or more servings, which is a difference of $0.10 per serving.
• If you don't have an ice cube tray (you should get one to freeze the food into perfect portions), you can scoop the food onto a cookie sheet lined with foil. Do not use parchment paper (because the food sort of melts into it) or waxed paper (because if the food is warm, it will melt the paper).

Are you still there? :D I'm getting a bit long winded, so I better get to the whole point of this post:

I read somewhere that breastfed babes stop absorbing as much iron from the breast milk when they begin solids. So, in an effort to increase his iron intake, I decided to introduce meats. After reading up on this, I found that meats are usually best mixed with veggies. Too much protein isn't good for the little one's kidneys. Also the veggies help to mask some of the taste. So after looking around I came up with this recipe. And as you see from the pictures, it was a hit. :D

Sweet Potato, Carrot and Chicken Puree

Ingredients:

1 large sweet potato

1 large carrot

1 boneless, skinless chicken breast; trimmed of fat and tough pieces

1 cup water

1/2 cup apple juice (no sugar added, not from concentrate, pasteurized)

1. Chop up the potato, carrot, and chicken breast.

2. Mix ingredients together in pot.

3. Bring to boil, reduce heat to medium-low and simmer for 20 minutes, or until chicken is cooked through.

4. Spoon out potatoes, carrots and chicken and place in a blender. Add about half of the liquid. Blend. Continue to add liquid until desired consistency is met. I ended up using it all, but needing no additional liquid.

5. Freeze food in baby sized portions.

As you can see, babies aren't the only ones that enjoy this yummy puree. ;)





Chili Tortilla Bake

I wasn't very prepared today. Thursday night Mr. Riley decided he wasn't going to sleep well, so mommy didn't get very much sleep prior to working a 12-hour shift on Friday. He has a sensor that tells him when mommy will be going to work. That means I get about 4 hours of sleep prior to working. And that isn't a continuous 4 hours. So, as you can imagine, I end up needing to recuperate the next day. That brings us back to today. Instead of planning dinner and getting something out of the freezer, I spent my time napping and playing with Riley.

I got online and googled "casserole recipes" and eventually found this one. It was one of the first I looked at, and amazingly enough I had all of the ingredients. Well, sorta. We both liked it, and I will be making it again someday. That means, I will be sharing it with you all, so that you might enjoy it as we did. :D The original recipe can be found here.

Chili Tortilla Bake
Ingredients
-1 pound extra-lean ground beef
-16 ounces canned tomato sauce
-1 can (15 ounces) black beans, rinsed and drained
-1 cup frozen corn (I drained an 8 ounce can of corn, since I didn't have frozen)
-1 can (4 ounces) chopped green chilies
-2 tablespoons dried minced onion (I chopped up a quarter of an onion, since I didn't have this)
-2 tablespoons chili powder
-1 teaspoon ground cumin
-1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
-1/2 teaspoon dried oregano
-Dash of cayenne pepper (I added this to give it a kick)
-6 whole wheat tortillas (8 inches) (I used regular tortillas)
-1 cup shredded cheddar cheese

1. In a large skillet, cook beef over medium heat (with chopped onion if you are using fresh onion like I did) until no longer pink.

2. Stir in the tomato sauce, beans, corn, green chilis, dried onion (if you didn't use fresh), chili powder, cumin, garlic powder, oregano, and cayenne pepper until heated through. Allow it to simmer for a couple minutes, stirring occasionally.

3. The original recipe calls for an 11-in x 7-in baking dish, but I have a Corningware 2-1/2 quart round casserole dish that fit the tortillas perfectly, so I used that instead. Coat whatever dish you decide to use with cooking spray, then layer the beef mixture, tortillas, and cheese until you have no more room to layer. I ended with a tortilla with a sprinkling of cheese on top.

4. Bake for 25-30 minutes at 350. Serve with sour cream if desired.