Fair warning: Not a happy post.

I am having one of those weeks. It started as a really awful Monday at work, and has sort of bubbled over into the following several days. I thought I was over it, but today I got a phone call from one of the assistant managers from work asking me about if I would be willing to attend a meeting with the Attendings and Managers on our floor next Monday, and in an unrelated twist she asked how I was doing after last Monday. I started to say I was fine, and noticed myself begin to cry again, and realized that I was indeed, not over it. I am not fine.

Nursing is not easy. And last Monday was one of the worst shifts of my career. It was hard, emotional, and busy. I was torn into 5 uneven pieces and could not figure out how to make myself whole again. At one point, as I was preparing for a simple procedure, I stepped out of my patient's room to grab something out of our supply drawer just outside the room. I stood there for a second with my mind blank. I literally had taken 5 steps, and in those 5 steps had forgotten why I had moved in the first place. I think I stood there for a full minute before I remembered what it was I needed. A simple piece of gauze. The patient noticed and laughed a little, saying I was too young to be as forgetful as he was. But I told him, "when you have 5 peoples' lives in your head, you begin to get a bit forgetful." He said that it would be worse if I had kids, so I changed my number to 6. I didn't mention to him that it was about my lunch hour and I hadn't a notion of being able to take a lunch in the near future. I was stressed out. His family members were getting demanding. I had mentioned to them that I would do the procedure at some point during the shift, and when I didn't get in there right away to do it, they went to a doctor to demand it happen. The doctor then relayed the message to me, and I told her I was going to do it, I just needed a second to breathe.

I hope that the stress of being sick or having a loved one in the hospital doesn't cloud my vision so I don't treat the staff poorly, even when I am hurting or scared.

This job is personal. Sometimes un-comfortably so. Last Monday I was so busy, so so busy. I wasn't able to be there for a patient who needed me. She was stewing in her room, creating anxiety and stress for herself, that was unnecessary. Her situation is unfair. She didn't deserve to be stressed out by me. Her friend came up to me at the front desk, to let me know that the patient was threatening to leave. I lost it right then. I felt that I had let her down. When I envisioned how my day would go, this was not a part of it. I was overwhelmed, drowning in my tasks, and unfortunately that meant she went a bit neglected. In some cases, the squeaky wheel gets the grease. I didn't have time to check in for no reason. The doctors had been in and told her some conflicting information. All of these things broke what little trust I had earned. The assistant nurse manager went in to the patient's room, and listened to her complaints. Afterwards she asked that I go back in to speak with the patient and clear up some information, and also to allow the patient to tell me why she was upset. I walked in the room and burst into tears. It was difficult. It was uncomfortable. It was hard.

And even through all of that she still wanted me to be the one to hang her chemotherapy later that day. I told her, that I was just too emotional to do it. I didn't feel comfortable, I was too shaky and overwhelmed to concentrate on hanging a life altering drug.

And after all of that I sat down to eat at 4:30pm. The latest lunch I've ever had at work. And at the end of the day, I had an hours worth of charting and catch up to do before I could come home. To an empty house.

The next day I had a headache and decided to call in sick to get some extra sleep. I wish I could let go of my emotions. But, like I said before, this job is personal.

Evening shift

The husband has been on evening shift for an entire week now. On Monday evening, I sent a text to him saying that Riley and I didn't like him being gone. And that is still true. We don't care too much for it. 

But there are some nice aspects. I will stay up later to wait up for him, and I do miss that (staying up late, I mean). You see, while Jamaal was on day shift, he was so tired from getting up at 5:30 that he wanted to get to bed by 9:30pm. And while it is smart for me to also get to bed then, I enjoy staying up until 10:30 or 11. (On days when I work, this is definitely something I regret the next day, but I do enjoy adult time playing video games after the Booger is asleep.) We try to go to bed at the same time each night. There are times when someone stays up later than the other, but for the most part we both make our way to bed at the same time. And to be honest I feel a bit guilty if I stay up later than he does. 

I also like having Jamaal home during the mornings. It seems to get me moving a little faster. I have been able to get more chores done in the morning, and then I'm motivated and get more done during the evening too. I'm nearly all caught up on laundry. Nearly. Now the key is to keep up with it. Doing a couple loads each week. I hope I can. Here it is, my Sunday night (I work Sunday through Tuesday) and all I want to do is blog, shower, and play a couple video games. Okay, and maybe have a slice of freshly made pumpkin pie. :) My motivation to do housework is waning. It also helps me to get a shower in. ;)

BUT, I hope that it comes back after my 3 day stretch of working is done. And I'm allowed a break right? 

Today I made burritos and they turned out pretty well. A little spicy, but not too bad. I was pretty happy with the fact that I was able to roll a burrito and they remained intact for the oven. I swear every other time I tried making them it turns into a casserole. :) I should post the recipe, because it was pretty easy to make. Maybe I will...

Meals are something that are difficult for me now. Because dinner is something I make at least 4 days of the week, and Jamaal isn't a huge fan of left overs. He is being a good sport with me though, and taking things I wouldn't expect him to take to work for dinner. I just don't think it is cost effective for him to buy meals every day at work, when I could make him 4-5 for the same price. So I've been trying to revamp my menu choices. And probably will have a lot more deli meat in the house. (In the past I will buy it for one night's dinner, and usually end up throwing it out, because I don't eat a ton at a time, and try to stay away from a lot of bread products. Because Jamaal has never brought a lunch with him to work.) I guess I should have mentioned that sooner. It makes it even more of a challenge. 

The best news is that Jamaal seems happier. Less stress. More sleep. 

I don't know if I'll ever be able to convince him to go back to day shift. (Night shift would be much worse for me. I would hate to be alone at night. And keeping Riley quiet during the day to let him sleep?? Impossible. I would be able to sleep, but Jamaal can hear a pin drop.) Unfortunately, he really doesn't like waking up early, as he would have to working day shift. 

Okay well. I hope you aren't bored now. Pretty sure this is one of the driest posts in a long time. 

But I posted. ;) 

Mr. Riley

My little boy is sure a character. Every day is so much fun these days. Well, at least parts of the day are fun. We still have some hard times. But then he will do something sweet, or cute, or funny, and I will smile and think, "how did I get so lucky?" The above photo was taken after nap time. I don't think he was quite ready to get up. But he was squeaking and fussing, so daddy got him up. We both laughed out loud when we saw his hair. It was worse...if you can believe that...right after sitting up in his crib. I didn't have my phone on me though, so it was a few minutes later when I got this shot. I have about 5 others prior to this one, but his eyes are closed. SO I had to get this shot without the flash. He was so very annoyed with me. And after this I broke the news that mommy was going bye-bye. Haha...mommy is so mean! :) (Don't worry, he quickly got over it. Saying "bye-bye" and walking me to the front door.)




The above video (if it decides to show up) was taken after he found a pacifier on the table. You see, the first 8 months of his life were very hard on me. He did not know how to sleep. I was sleep deprived and desperate to find something to sooth him, aside from me. I was exhausted and desperate for some relief. I bought EVERY type of pacifier out there. I searched desperately for some sort of different shape that might appease him. But to no avail. I think he took it a total of 2 times and kept it in his mouth for like 5 minutes at a time. Seriously folks. It was a rough time. But here he is making fun of his mama. ;) He doesn't even know how to suck on a binky and keep it in his mouth. (though I must admit, I tried this particular one too, and it is pretty difficult to suck on.)

The past week or so he has really started to talk up a storm. It is an adventure every day with him, you never know what might come out of his mouth. Right know he is big into "Thank you." He hands me something, and when I take it from him, "ank coo." The waitress refills my water, he says "ank coo." It just about melts my heart. Next step is working on "you're welcome."

The other day a new mommy commented that she couldn't wait for her baby to do something that Riley was doing. And I totally remember feeling this way when Riley was months old. There were times when I looked forward to the next milestone. And while this reaction is completely normal. And sometimes we say these things without really meaning anything by them. But I think there is something in loving the moment your child is in now. There is something so beautiful about your baby today, right now. Even if they are screaming and squirming and fighting sleep. I had so many struggles during the first months of Riley's life (and I definitely have some struggles today) but I look back on those moments with such reverence and a desire to be able to go back in time and snuggle with the Riley of 2011. I guess what I'm saying is each milestone is special in its own way, try to live in the now without looking too far forward. Because you will never get that time back.

Change to come

Something I haven't really announced yet will be happening soon: My dear husband got a new job at Boeing. He will start a week from today. It is really, really exciting news for us. As he will finally have benefits, and hope for promotions within the company. 

It is something we have been dreaming about for quite some time now. He attempted applying a couple years ago, but to no avail. 

Now we are ready for a new kind of adventure. We have settled into a routine, and it will be shaken up a bit. 

The main issue is that he will be working evening shift, at least to start. Monday through Friday from 2:00-10:30pm. He has also offered to keep working Saturdays at his current job. But I'm not sure how long he will keep that up. 

He is looking forward to sleeping in. And I'm looking forward to doing water aerobics again. (I plan on going in the mornings twice a week, he and Riley can sleep in while I go work out!) And I should be able to go grocery shopping alone! (Oh the simple things in life...) :) 

We are looking forward to actual vacation and sick leave from work. (Currently he has to ask for time off, and may or may not get it.) 

And benefits! Don't forget about them! Currently my insurance has a huge deductible (because I opted for the plan with a HSA) so I'm hoping I could use his insurance as my secondary plan and cut down some of my out of pocket cost. (Though I must admit I'm not sure how this would work, if the secondary insurance would only go into effect after I've reached my deductible or not...) 

While there are many positive things about this change, there are a lot of challenges that we will face. And they are a little distracting for me right now. 

I'm not looking forward to evenings alone. Specifically bedtime. On nights when I'm not working, I will likely stay up and wait for Jamaal to come home, because we usually do not go to bed now until close to midnight. But I look forward to the time when Jamaal gets home, because I have a little help with Riley. Perhaps it is just because I've been with Riley all day long, and I'm just ready for some assistance. So maybe it will help to have daddy home in the morning before nap time  But being a negative Nelly, I've been focusing on the opposite. 

Currently, on Mondays and Tuesdays when I work, Jamaal is in charge of dropping Riley off at my father-in-law's or my parent's house depending on the day. And if I work for 12 hours, Jamaal will also retrieve Riley from whichever house he is at. Now, I will be in charge of picking up Riley, even after working for 12 hours. And let me just say, I'm really not looking forward to this! After working for 12+ hours, I really just want to come home and get in my jam-jams. 

Meal times will also be a little different from here on out. It will be strange just cooking for Riley and I. And I keep bugging Jamaal about what sort of things he will want to bring for lunches, and he is annoyed with me for even thinking about it. (I'm a planner, he is not). But I want to know if I should make dinners for lunch so he can bring them with him to work. Or if I should make dinner and save it for him for the next day. Or if he just wants me to get some lunch meat, chip bags, and carrots for a brown bag style meal. Leaving Riley and I on our own for meals. 

And the last, and greatest challenge, is putting off trying for a second pregnancy. We are not in agreement on this one, but I will not force my husband to father another child, if he is not ready to do so. I understand his hesitancy: there is so much unknown about our future. Our finances will likely be tight, as he will most definitely be taking a pay cut for this job (with opportunities for raises along the way). I hope that this hesitancy will dissipate after a month (or two) of work. 

Because nine months in itself is a long time to wait...

The one with Riley's Masterpiece

--- 1 ---

Last Friday I sort of talked about how I forgot to pay our garbage bill. It was a sort of embarrassing moment of mine. That day I got a "notice" in the mail about how I had an "apparent disregard" of their previous attempts to collect. (They sent that notice prior to me calling and paying off our overdue balance). I'm going to go ahead and blame my husband on this one, because he usually gets the mail and doesn't have any specific place that he puts it. So it ends up being placed wherever he stops first. This means we have piles of mail here and there, and I have no idea what pile is old or new or important. We need to figure out a system I guess. But to be quite honest, that was not where I thought this take was going to go...instead I was going to speak about all the money we are saving by adding yard waste. :)

--- 2 ---

In an effort to decrease my family's carbon foot print, I decided to try adding yard waste to our garbage service. A lot of items we use daily can go into the yard waste container, like paper towels, food scraps and should I admit this here? cough...paper plates....cough. By making the switch we were able to decrease from a 60 gallon garbage can to a 32 gallon can (and sometimes we still don't fill that one up!) We save about $100 per year this way as well. Which is a plus. But, and this is a huge but, yard waste is a bit stinky. It wasn't so bad until this last week. I went out to dump the inside food scraps into the outside yard waste, opened the can and the entire rim of the 90-gallon yard waste cart was white and wiggly. I about vomited then and there. It still gives me the chills thinking about it. Nasty, disgusting maggots all over the can. Blech. I went inside to grab something to spray them with, and by the time I came back most of them had wiggled to the ground. They are quite interesting little pustules. They wiggle and roll all over the place. The next morning the majority of them had wiggled/rolled around the corner to the bottom edge of my front porch. They traveled about 25 feet from the can to there. I was disgusted. Surprised. Horrified. I sprayed them like crazy and went to an appointment. I asked my mom how long it takes for them to hatch, because while I don't really care for flies, I prefer them over maggots.

Later that evening, after Jamaal got home, I went out to the garbage and noticed the maggots were gone. All of them. I couldn't find a single one. Even some of the dead carcasses were missing. I kind of shrugged it off, thought perhaps my darling husband had cleaned, and was happy the nasty buggers were gone. I also noticed this: 

This is a photo of our driveway. Notice the pieces of moss and debris strewn about. I thought it was left overs of the destruction, and figured my husband had something to do with it. That night I asked my husband about it, and we came to this conclusion: the neighborhood birds had a feast. Because my husband had no idea what I was talking about. This is not the first time I've noticed some moss strewn about, and I thought it was something Jamaal was up to. He, funny enough, thought the same, only about me. We both had a "that makes so much sense" moment, and were able to rest easy knowing we have some friendly (to us, of course, not the maggots) neighborhood birds watching our front stoop.

--- 3 ---

Today I finally called to change our home insurance to the same insurance we use for our cars. Progressive, if you are curious. We will be saving $150 on our home insurance alone. (we will also be saving for our car insurance but Jamaal is in charge of that bill, so I'm not sure how much!) I got a notice that our old carrier would be increasing our rate this year, so I decided now was a good time to change. 

--- 4 ---

Today I bought some vitamins for me to start taking. I was horrible at taking vitamins when I was pregnant with Riley, because I hated how big the vitamin was, and started to get a bit gag-y when taking it. So I just flat out stopped. I had one of each today, and they tasted pretty good. Now, I'm going to have to wash my vitamin case so I remember to take them everyday. :) I also got some "My first Flinstone vitamins" for Riley. I was giving him some liquid vitamins, but he really hates it now, so unless I mix it in with his milk, he doesn't take it. (and I keep forgetting to do that...) My plan is to put his vitamins in with mine so I remember to give him his. That's the goal anyway! (and I just read on the containers that I'm supposed to take two of each per day...anyone know if Costco carries gummy prenatals?)

--- 5 ---

I'm really beginning to feel comfortable working at Weight Watchers. I'm constantly worried that I will say the wrong thing though, especially when the clients have gained. I know the feeling. I gained a couple times when I was losing weight, and it is so embarrassing, along with other mixes of emotions. So, I know that they are in a very sensitive place, and anything I say could set them off. It is a lot of stress to have! Plus, I remember feeling uncomfortable weighing in in front of people who already look great; it is easy to forget that the staff at Weight Watchers have been there before. (and actually, some clients don't know that staff have all been there.) I'm kind of one of the youngest staff members I've seen working, and I think that plays a role in how little I'm trusted. But I've been through that before with nursing and I'll get through it... :)

--- 6 ---

After Riley got up from his nap, he seemed to want to talk on the phone, so I called his Nana, (my mother in law) but by the time she got on the phone, he had decided he didn't want to talk after all. Long story short, she decided to take him for the night tonight since there will be a big family gathering tomorrow in Tacoma. (and she hasn't had him over night in a while since she had surgery this summer) It is always such a treat to be baby-free. :)

--- 7 ---

I have decided to try and scan all of Riley's artwork into the computer. I realize that we will have a lot of artwork over the years, and keeping it all just isn't feasible. It is also such a waste of space. This is his very first drawing using a 24-pack of crayola crayons on Whisper White cardstock. I actually kind of like this one a lot. I was going to use it to decorate a card, but decided against it and made Riley color again. I used a Stampin' Up! punch to cut out pieces of his artwork, and used them in my card. It turned out pretty cute. (You'll have to excuse the quality of the photo, as at the time I couldn't find my good camera, and so I used my scanner.) Quality aside, you get the idea. :) Happy Friday!

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

Mocha Ice Cream Dreams

Today I performed an experiment in my kitchen. Here is how it started:

A little over a week ago I made some maple walnut ice cream for my father, who could not find it in stores anywhere and was craving it. It turned out to be a success. But not quite up to the perfect standards my dad had set for me. I blame this on using pure ingredients, as I'm sure the maple walnut ice cream of his past contained more than 5-ish ingredients. He did say it was good, just not quite right. 

Well, I thought it was good. Great even. Probably some of the best ice cream I've had in a while. 

It was the first time I used eggs/egg yolks when making ice cream...okay so go ahead and correct me, because technically "ice cream" contains no eggs, but frozen custard ice cream is just so gosh darn long, and let's face it, not as familiar...and it wasn't as scary as I thought it would be. 

So back to today...I realized I needed to use up the rest of the cream and what better way than to make another batch of ice cream. :) To decide on the flavor, I consulted with my husband. He stated he didn't really feel like ice cream tonight and ultimately was not very helpful. I had kind of thought about making a coconut or a coffee ice cream, and thought he would like neither of them. But he surprised me and said he would eat the coffee ice cream "if it was good." Even if he only has a little bit, it will be a little bit that I'm not consuming. ;) So coffee won out. Mocha to be precise. 

And then I started Google-ing. There are conspiracies about the type of coffee you use, the type of chocolate or cocoa you use and whether or not to use eggs. (and there are also some dairy-free recipes out there!) It is such a difficult decision, because each blog you go to claims to have the best recipe. After looking at about 15 different websites I had Jamaal hand me the manual that came with our ice cream maker. And inside there was a very simple Coffee Ice Cream recipe, with a variation for Mocha Chip Ice Cream. That was it. I didn't have to print one out, I already had a recipe to carry into the kitchen. 

And then I didn't read the directions quite right. I got excited and measured out all of the ingredients and put them in a mixing bowl. The recipe calls for:

• 1 cup whole milk
• 3/4 cup sugar
• 2-3 tablespoons instant espresso or coffee, to taste
• 2 cups heavy cream
• 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

Variation:

• Use 1-1/2 tablespoons each instant espresso powder and Dutch process cocoa instead of just espresso powder
• 4 ounces bittersweet or semi-sweet chocolate bar, roughly chopped into tiny pieces (to be added in the last 5 minutes of churning)

You are supposed to use a mixer to combine the milk, granulated sugar and espresso powder (and cocoa) until dissolved, about 1-2 minutes on low speed. But I also added the heavy cream. Now, if you know heavy cream very well, you know that it can also be used for whipped cream. That means, you beat it, it fluffs up. So as I was mixing it was foaming, and the gosh darn cocoa and espresso wasn't dissolving! So I decided to warm it up a little to get it to dissolve. (and just so you know, I chose to use regular cocoa powder, because that was what was in my pantry, which, I read, is a little less chocolaty, and also doesn't dissolve as easily. While I'm on a roll confessing my divergence I also used 2 heaping tablespoons of both the cocoa and the espresso, none of this decreasing to 1-1/2 business. I want it to taste like a mocha dang it!)

So, I poured the foamy mixture through a strainer into a saucepan and began heating my base. As I'm stirring constantly, I think: "If I have to stir this constantly anyway, I might as well add eggs to the mix." So I found a "premium ice cream" recipe in my Cuisinart booklet, the Decadent Chocolate Ice Cream recipe to be precise, and kind of made it work for me. 

It calls for:

• 2 large eggs
• 1 large egg yolk

And wouldn't you know it, I had exactly 3 eggs! The recipe wants you to combine sugar, cocoa, eggs and egg yolk in a medium bowl and beat it until it is thickened like mayonnaise. But I had already added all but the eggs to the hot milk/cream mixture, so I just beat the eggs as best I could. Then I took 1 cup of the hot milk/cream mixture and in a slow steady stream, beat it into the eggs using a hand mixer. (This is called tempering your eggs. If you just throw them into the warmed/hot milk they would cook like scrambled eggs. This kind of slowly brings them up to a warmer temperature so they don't cook that way, instead they combine with the other ingredients first, to form a custard.) Then I added my egg mixture to the saucepan, and continually stirred over low-medium heat. I had a candy thermometer attached and I kept stirring until it reached 170 degrees Fahrenheit (and it was thickening up.) 

I had set up an ice bath prior, and poured the mixture through a strainer again into the bowl in my ice bath. This helped to cool the mixture quickly. That way I could quickly transfer the mixture into the fridge for the night. 

I can't wait for tomorrow! :)

Mrs. T

Today I had a patient ask me: "If you would have known you would be doing this everyday, do you think you still would have become a nurse?"

You see, today, I was in charge. And this patient had called, the unit secretary answered her call, and attempted to contact the assistant and the covering nurse (the patient's nurse was on lunch) and no one was available. The pt stated she had to go to the bathroom, "really badly." 

To be honest...I sighed. Even now, as I typed this paragraph I sighed. Taking people to the bathroom truly is not my favorite thing to do. I would not have become a nurse if that was all I were to do. I have experienced a multitude of different scenarios while taking people to the bathroom during my five years of being a nurse. Many of which are positive experiences during which "please," "thank you," and stories are shared. But of course there are always several negative experiences that seem to overshadow all of the good ones. 

The fact of the matter is that some people handle the sick role better than others. Some people weren't given, either by nature or nurture, the appropriate coping mechanisms to handle an illness. We nurses call this "poor coping skills." Some truly cannot help it at this time in their life due to some altered mental status, and in those situations I find the most difficulty. I have to constantly breathe into the task at hand, and repeat to myself "they are sick, they are scared, they don't know who you are." Because I have to believe if they did know, they would apologize for their actions, and a part of them would be embarrassed. Until that time, I try not to let their harsh words and actions get to me. 

Let me tell you, though, I will only lay still and take abuse for so long!

Anyway, back to my sigh. I walked into that patient's room, and there she sat, with her feet dangling off the bed and a huge pool of excrement on her sheets. She said, she was sorry for anyone who had to come in to help her. She had a slight Irish accent, and flashed a smile at me after I made a joke about probably not needing any more bowel meds. (She had been given quite a lot, because she was really constipated after having 2 separate surgeries about a week apart.) I usually can predict how a situation will end up if people get a kick out of my humor. 

I called for someone to come in and help me and together we got the bed and the patient all cleaned up in no time. While she was sitting on the commode chair, as I was changing her sheets, she asked me the above question: would I have still become a nurse if I knew I would be cleaning up poo everyday?

And I answered her honestly: I don't clean it up everyday. Several times a week maybe (back when I was full time), but most of the time people make it to the toilet. :) She said she had a lot of respect for what nurses did, and stated there would be no doctors without nurses. And I agreed. So I told her, that when it is someone like her, who is kind, respectful, and has a good sense of humor it is easy for me to do my job. I don't mind it. It doesn't even really gross me out. People like her are the reason I return to work. And when all of the negative encounters begin outweighing the good ones, I will find some other nursing job to latch onto. Because that is one perk of nursing, there are a multitude of other jobs I could do. But for now, I'm okay where I'm at.