Maintenance

I am finding maintenance to be a little difficult for me. I have tried a couple weeks of just eating what I want and not tracking and haven't done so well. I knew that it wouldn't work, but I hoped that it would. You see, I know that sometime in the near future I might want to try to get pregnant again. And I will not be allowed to follow weight watchers while pregnant (for obvious reasons). So I thought that I would practice to see how my pregnancy might go, and I see myself falling into that "you are eating for two" rhythm again.

Yes, I do realize that I would be carrying another life around with me, and that is not something to take lightly, but I truly believe that I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes (with my first pregnancy) because of my poor diet during the first trimester. I ate what I wanted, and gave myself free reign because I was doing something noble. I was cultivating a life, and that meant I deserved some sort of reward for my hardship. As if to say that because I was sacrificing my body to grow a baby, I deserved something in return. The reward I chose for myself was food.

Last weekend my husband and I went camping and I knew going into it I wasn't going to worry about my intake. I knew I was going to make poor choices. I accepted that. But I hadn't prepared for our return home. All of the left over snack foods I had brought were staring me in the face. Chocolate bars, graham crackers, chips, cheez-it snack mix, fruit snacks, etc most of which were barely touched while camping. But because it is there, I have had my fair share of it now. I have a hard time with guilt in relation to food. (I know this isn't a new concept for people attempting to lose weight.) When we lose track sometimes it is the guilt that drives us further from our goal. I am attempting to break my own cycle by writing this down. I need that accountability piece that I haphazardly threw out the window a few weeks ago. For me, it is tracking what I eat using my e-tools. When I track, I look at my portions, I measure out foods, I assess whether I really want something or not, and I feel in control. When I don't, the opposite is true: my portions expand, the foods I choose are less healthful, I don't think before shoving food in my mouth, and I feel reckless.

Everyone hits roadblocks sometimes. Okay, so you just ate that entire can of Pringles chips, now what? Brush yourself off and start brand new. Start tracking again with the next bite of food you indulge in. Don't drown yourself in canned whipped cream because you can't believe you ate all those chips. Because pretty soon you'll be upset over that too. It is self-destructive behavior, that I can admit to taking part in a few times in my life. But this last week, I remember thinking that it didn't matter, since I had already strayed from the path so much.

My point is this: one can of Pringles won't put 25 pounds back on my body, but not caring might. This is me, brushing myself off and starting again. Who would have thought that maintenance would bring its own set of challenges and setbacks?

Yesterday I accepted a permanent position as a receptionist for Weight Watchers on Wednesday evenings in the Federal Way location. I am really excited about it, because I have only had 2 shifts since being hired in March (aside from the 5 training shifts I worked). It is difficult to remember everything, when you get very little exposure to everything. It will also help me to be held accountable.