The waiting game

I knew it was silly of me to expect the same birth story with my second pregnancy as my first. I knew I was being optimistic imagining my water breaking at 38 weeks, yet again. My midwife called me last weekend, because she realized we hadn't talked about induction, and she was not going to be the one to see me at my next appointment. It was weird to get her call. But I refused. No induction for me. Don't you know what an induction means? More pain. More monitoring. More expectations, in less time. Equaling a higher chance of cesarean. 

Besides, it doesn't matter. I'm going to have this baby tomorrow. I've been having contractions. Sometimes to the point where I figure I will be woken up in lots of pain, and have to throw everything in the car. Call someone to either come over and sleep so Riley can be left in his bed. Or stow him away in his car seat and have someone take him away for us. Children really make this whole labor thing a bit more complicated. 

But a week went by and my cervix didn't change. And then I realized I was almost full term. Being gestational diabetic, I knew they were going to force me to be induced if I didn't agree to it anyway. And I started to realize I was tired of this whole situation. My ankles are huge. We're talking the size of grapefruits. And my calves are just as big. You know they're big when people comment on the size of them. As if I don't already know. I can't cross my legs, sit on the floor, wash my feet, paint my toenails, or wear any shoes except for flip flops that I bought two sizes too big. I can't even go to the bathroom without underwear dents in my legs afterwards. In some respect, I've hoped for elevated blood pressures just so they would have to induce me. But I'm thankful that it is not. Pre-eclampsia is very dangerous for both baby and mom, and I really do not wish it on anyone. But sometimes, in desperation, I've had these thoughts. 

Knowing that my midwife is on call on Tuesdays I called in this Monday to request an induction. They squeezed me in to be seen. The hospital requires a consent and a vaginal exam be done prior to scheduling anything. I was at about the same. Not much of a change. If any at all. They gave me an appointment at 7pm for the next day. 

We took Riley to his first theater movie. We visited with family. I called at 5pm as instructed, and was told that they anticipate getting me in later that night, but to call again at 7:30pm. My parents came and got him for dinner, as they will keep him overnight for us. And I call as instructed, and they are having a hard time finding the charge nurse. Can they call me back? After waiting for about 15 minutes, they call me back and tell me that they are just too full. But they could call me in the middle of the night, if I wanted. Or I could call them at 6am. No joke I sat on the phone for 8 minutes thinking about what I wanted. The lady on the other end explained my options a couple times, probably to fill the awkward silence as I thought. I would have the opportunity to see my midwife if I went in tonight. But she is off at 7 am, and would likely not be the one delivering my baby anyway. And in this situation we would have interrupted sleep, or none at all as I would be waiting for the phone call, trying not to sleep too deeply. But calling in at 6am? My midwife won't see me at all. It will be someone unknown to me. I hope that it is someone nice. But it is a big let down to know that Jennifer will not be there. I really trust her. She is fun and friendly and reminds me a lot of my other midwife who delivered Riley. And then there is the thought that I still might not get a time. This type of waiting is much much worse. I was already anxious about being induced. And now that anxiety is just prolonged. I have appointments on Thursday, and at this point I anticipate going to them. 

And finally, my mother-in-law postponed her work trip until Thursday so that she can be there for the birth. And now, I'm beginning to wonder if she will get to meet him or not. I have been a wreck ever since I got off the phone with the hospital. I went shopping this afternoon for some carbohydrates. I figured I would be craving them after the delivery, and would finally be able to eat whatever I desire. But again there is a delay. And then there is the heartburn that just won't go away. Ugh. I swear I never felt this over being pregnant with Riley. I guess that is what happens when you give birth a few weeks early. 

I hope to have a happy post up on here in a couple days, but for now you will have to deal with my pity party for one. 

Woe is me.

Gestational Diabetes is difficult. I remember now, all of those thoughts I had shoved into the deep dark corners of my mind. The difficult, trying times I had when pregnant before, that I forced myself to forget about. There's something about a beautiful, warm, wiggly infant that makes you forget everything terrible that happened when he was forming in the womb. I was incredibly hopeful that I might not be diagnosed with GD this time though.

And, okay, my blood sugars are pretty well controlled. I was just barely diagnosed this time. (Meaning I only had one elevated blood sugar during the 2-hour test and it was only a smidge over, but it only takes one elevated blood sugar to diagnose a lady.)

I am better now, at keeping myself satisfied. The first go around I had no understanding of protein. It was difficult for me because my diet before I got pregnant consisted mostly of carbohydrates. This time, my diet was more well rounded. That being said, I still wish I could have a pan of brownies on my stove without worrying that I won't be able to stay away from them. Last night, Riley saw a box that holds a cupcake display on my kitchen table (I borrowed it from my mom for Riley's birthday and haven't returned it yet...) It has pictures of different types of cupcakes being displayed and he said "Cars cupcakes in there?" But cupcakes really comes out something like "cuh-kays." He remembered his birthday cupcakes that had McQueen and Mater on them. Then he really badly wanted to make some. And so did I. But I knew that if I made a bunch of cupcakes, I would also want to eat a bunch of cupcakes, and it is better that I don't right now.

It is kind of funny to me, in a sick way. When I was on Weight Watchers, I could have "dangerous" things in my house. I could make brownies for my husband. I could have made cupcakes for Riley. And I might have had some, but I would have stopped at one. And might not even be tempted, depending on how many points I had available. Whereas now, I don't think I could resist. It is what I crave the most, and my will power is wearing thin. The difference is right now what I eat doesn't just affect me. It also will affect this little wiggly baby. I do not want him to be a huge newborn, and keeping my sugars in control will help that. But also I don't want to have to stay longer in the hospital if his blood sugars won't regulate. And I don't want them to make me supplement if I can help it.

I'm planning my first meals right now, though they might change later on down the road. You better believe a milk shake is one of the first things on my list.

That being said, I'm finding out that sometimes carbs aren't really necessary: I had a lettuce wrapped burger the other day that was really quite tasty! So I was able to have onion rings with it, since I didn't waste my carbohydrates on the bun. It was one of the most satisfying "out to eat" moments I've had. I didn't feel like I was missing out.

The education I got this time was helpful in some ways, but the nurse does not teach carb counting (as I was taught the last time). Instead she tells me I have certain times of the day when I can have certain food groups. I was appalled when she basically told me I could have fruit with dinner, and with a bedtime snack that also had some protein. I'm sorry, but fruit is a big saving grace for me. I need the sweetness to keep me away from brownies and cupcakes and chocolate. And so, I've pretty much taken from her teachings what I want, and count carbs like I have done in the past. One thing she mentioned to me, and I have found to be true, is: if you eat only carbs at bedtime, the fasting blood sugar in the morning will be higher. And this is because as you sleep, your body freaks out because your easy access food supply is burned off rather quickly. So your liver will dump out some sugars to make sure your brain and heart get the sugars they need to function. The problem is, the liver dumps too much, causing elevated fasting blood sugars. However, if you add some protein, the body has to take longer to process it, so the liver doesn't get the message to dump sugars.

Another little thing she told me, was carbs are best eaten 4-5 hours after waking. This is because the body just slowed down all of its processes for sleep, and it takes a while for it to wake up again to process the food we eat. What this boils down to is I cannot tolerate oatmeal in the morning. I have tried twice, and both times my blood sugars have been on the higher side. It is really sad, because I love my oatmeal. And so does little Riley. :) But Adams peanut butter on two slices of low calorie bread with some sliced strawberries on top is really hitting the spot in the morning. I found some Greek yogurt with only 9 carbs in it that really satisfies, so I'll eat a cup of that as well.

But there are really depressing, stomach growling moments where I really wish I could have some ice cream or other carbohydrate, and I long for time to pass more quickly. Tomorrow I will be 33 weeks. Only 5-7 more to go!

13 weeks

Today I am 13 weeks. I have officially begun the 2nd trimester. It is surreal, because it seems to have flown by (although I remember thinking it was taking forever around week 6 or so). I am finally getting some of my energy back, which is a wonderful feeling. But it also helps that Riley has been waking up at 0930 or 1000 some days. I definitely appreciate it when that happens. :)

I have some fears for the future, especially once the babe is born, because Riley never slept. And I just don't know how I would be able to function with two tots to look after. I just keep hoping that this baby will know how to sleep. We'll see though.

Some gripes:

- I got the bill for the lab draw they did at the start of my pregnancy and I am floored by it. $696.30 for the labs alone. (Thankfully we have insurance so it only cost us $211, but still. It is frustrating.) It is even more irritating that $300 worth of the tests were for a tox screen. Ahem. I could have told them the results of that one. Absolutely zilch. I don't even think I've had Tylenol in the recent past. (Oddly enough Tylenol is often included in toxicology screens.) Even testing for Hepatitis C was a little uncalled for. However, I could have been exposed to it at work, so I would have let that one slide. Needless to say I'll be paying closer attention to what they draw from me in the future. If there is a baby #3, I need to remember this.

- Today some sciatica pain has started up for me. I'm not thrilled that it has started this soon. But I know women out there will sympathize with me. I need to find a chiropractor, I've been saying this for years now, but I just don't know who to trust.

- I have nothing to wear. Nothing, that looks appealing on me anyway. I feel frumpy in my maternity clothes, and uncomfortable in my normal person clothes. I'm a little sad that most of my maternity clothes are too big, even the jeans, because I was smaller when I got pregnant this time than I was when I got pregnant with Riley. Right now I'm wearing a skirt and shirt, and feel okay, but it is freezing out there! What I need to get are some leggings/tights, I'm going to go on Amazon after this to search for some.

- I'm hungry again. I mean, eat what is in sight, if food isn't in sight, find food and put it in my sight, all day long, hungry. This happened with Riley and I gained way too much way too fast, and ended up with gestational diabetes. I need to get better at being careful. Today I bought some foods at Trader Joe's that will hopefully help me. (Like fruits and vegetables and Greek yogurt. Fage is my favorite. And some frozen foods for Riley and I to have for dinners instead of thinking about fast food.) I'm not perfect, but I'm trying to be better.

- Heartburn is starting yet again. So far it has only been at night, but I'm sure very soon it will be a 24-7 issue as it was with Riley.

Some positives:

- The nausea is nearly gone. Okay so it wasn't as bad as other women's experiences with morning sickness. I never lost my cookies. I was able to eat through it (though many times it was cheese and crackers or something bland). But it was incredibly uncomfortable to be gagging and dry heaving out of nowhere. (Not to mention making people around me uncomfortable.) Sometimes I wished that I could puke, just to make it stop, and to have some relief. But instead, Zofran saved the day. Around week 9 was the worst, and I took Zofran nearly every day. Smells can still trigger it, but it is nothing like it used to be.

- I've already mentioned that my energy is coming back. But it is a positive. I finally feel like doing something else other than sleep or sit.

-Since week 8 I've been showing. Now it is quite prominent, not necessarily something a stranger might point out, but my family and friends can see it for sure. It is definitely the best part about being pregnant, looking pregnant, feeling pregnant. I have to be honest, there have been times where I've forgotten that I am pregnant. :) Pretty soon that will be a little bit tough. I swear I've been feeling the bean doing flips, but I'm pretty sure it is just peristalsis. ;) I can't wait to have boxing matches with the little booger.