Fair warning: Not a happy post.

I am having one of those weeks. It started as a really awful Monday at work, and has sort of bubbled over into the following several days. I thought I was over it, but today I got a phone call from one of the assistant managers from work asking me about if I would be willing to attend a meeting with the Attendings and Managers on our floor next Monday, and in an unrelated twist she asked how I was doing after last Monday. I started to say I was fine, and noticed myself begin to cry again, and realized that I was indeed, not over it. I am not fine.

Nursing is not easy. And last Monday was one of the worst shifts of my career. It was hard, emotional, and busy. I was torn into 5 uneven pieces and could not figure out how to make myself whole again. At one point, as I was preparing for a simple procedure, I stepped out of my patient's room to grab something out of our supply drawer just outside the room. I stood there for a second with my mind blank. I literally had taken 5 steps, and in those 5 steps had forgotten why I had moved in the first place. I think I stood there for a full minute before I remembered what it was I needed. A simple piece of gauze. The patient noticed and laughed a little, saying I was too young to be as forgetful as he was. But I told him, "when you have 5 peoples' lives in your head, you begin to get a bit forgetful." He said that it would be worse if I had kids, so I changed my number to 6. I didn't mention to him that it was about my lunch hour and I hadn't a notion of being able to take a lunch in the near future. I was stressed out. His family members were getting demanding. I had mentioned to them that I would do the procedure at some point during the shift, and when I didn't get in there right away to do it, they went to a doctor to demand it happen. The doctor then relayed the message to me, and I told her I was going to do it, I just needed a second to breathe.

I hope that the stress of being sick or having a loved one in the hospital doesn't cloud my vision so I don't treat the staff poorly, even when I am hurting or scared.

This job is personal. Sometimes un-comfortably so. Last Monday I was so busy, so so busy. I wasn't able to be there for a patient who needed me. She was stewing in her room, creating anxiety and stress for herself, that was unnecessary. Her situation is unfair. She didn't deserve to be stressed out by me. Her friend came up to me at the front desk, to let me know that the patient was threatening to leave. I lost it right then. I felt that I had let her down. When I envisioned how my day would go, this was not a part of it. I was overwhelmed, drowning in my tasks, and unfortunately that meant she went a bit neglected. In some cases, the squeaky wheel gets the grease. I didn't have time to check in for no reason. The doctors had been in and told her some conflicting information. All of these things broke what little trust I had earned. The assistant nurse manager went in to the patient's room, and listened to her complaints. Afterwards she asked that I go back in to speak with the patient and clear up some information, and also to allow the patient to tell me why she was upset. I walked in the room and burst into tears. It was difficult. It was uncomfortable. It was hard.

And even through all of that she still wanted me to be the one to hang her chemotherapy later that day. I told her, that I was just too emotional to do it. I didn't feel comfortable, I was too shaky and overwhelmed to concentrate on hanging a life altering drug.

And after all of that I sat down to eat at 4:30pm. The latest lunch I've ever had at work. And at the end of the day, I had an hours worth of charting and catch up to do before I could come home. To an empty house.

The next day I had a headache and decided to call in sick to get some extra sleep. I wish I could let go of my emotions. But, like I said before, this job is personal.

Evening shift

The husband has been on evening shift for an entire week now. On Monday evening, I sent a text to him saying that Riley and I didn't like him being gone. And that is still true. We don't care too much for it. 

But there are some nice aspects. I will stay up later to wait up for him, and I do miss that (staying up late, I mean). You see, while Jamaal was on day shift, he was so tired from getting up at 5:30 that he wanted to get to bed by 9:30pm. And while it is smart for me to also get to bed then, I enjoy staying up until 10:30 or 11. (On days when I work, this is definitely something I regret the next day, but I do enjoy adult time playing video games after the Booger is asleep.) We try to go to bed at the same time each night. There are times when someone stays up later than the other, but for the most part we both make our way to bed at the same time. And to be honest I feel a bit guilty if I stay up later than he does. 

I also like having Jamaal home during the mornings. It seems to get me moving a little faster. I have been able to get more chores done in the morning, and then I'm motivated and get more done during the evening too. I'm nearly all caught up on laundry. Nearly. Now the key is to keep up with it. Doing a couple loads each week. I hope I can. Here it is, my Sunday night (I work Sunday through Tuesday) and all I want to do is blog, shower, and play a couple video games. Okay, and maybe have a slice of freshly made pumpkin pie. :) My motivation to do housework is waning. It also helps me to get a shower in. ;)

BUT, I hope that it comes back after my 3 day stretch of working is done. And I'm allowed a break right? 

Today I made burritos and they turned out pretty well. A little spicy, but not too bad. I was pretty happy with the fact that I was able to roll a burrito and they remained intact for the oven. I swear every other time I tried making them it turns into a casserole. :) I should post the recipe, because it was pretty easy to make. Maybe I will...

Meals are something that are difficult for me now. Because dinner is something I make at least 4 days of the week, and Jamaal isn't a huge fan of left overs. He is being a good sport with me though, and taking things I wouldn't expect him to take to work for dinner. I just don't think it is cost effective for him to buy meals every day at work, when I could make him 4-5 for the same price. So I've been trying to revamp my menu choices. And probably will have a lot more deli meat in the house. (In the past I will buy it for one night's dinner, and usually end up throwing it out, because I don't eat a ton at a time, and try to stay away from a lot of bread products. Because Jamaal has never brought a lunch with him to work.) I guess I should have mentioned that sooner. It makes it even more of a challenge. 

The best news is that Jamaal seems happier. Less stress. More sleep. 

I don't know if I'll ever be able to convince him to go back to day shift. (Night shift would be much worse for me. I would hate to be alone at night. And keeping Riley quiet during the day to let him sleep?? Impossible. I would be able to sleep, but Jamaal can hear a pin drop.) Unfortunately, he really doesn't like waking up early, as he would have to working day shift. 

Okay well. I hope you aren't bored now. Pretty sure this is one of the driest posts in a long time. 

But I posted. ;)