The house, the present and the future

Well not much has really been going on around here.

We have stuck with the house that is located in Auburn, but the inspector found an issue with the drain pipe coming from the washer output. (After plumbers came out to look at it, they estimated it would cost $1200-2000 to fix, which is way more than Jamaal and I will have in quite some time.) So Jamaal and I decided to change out loan to an FHA streamline which basically means that we have $10,000 to spend on updates right away. The only issue with this type of loan is that it takes a really long time to have contractors approved by the people in charge. But Home Depot came out with a program specifically for this type of loan; it's brilliant on their part because we have to use home depot product and so far the people have shown to be nothing but helpful. Home Depot actually uses contractors, which is great for the contractors to get some business, and they too have been great.

We will end up with a new fridge, a front-loading washer and dryer, brand new and good quality carpet throughout, a new gutter on the side, and insulation under the house.

It turns out that the inspector didn't go far enough under the house to see that the washer output was connected properly to sewer after all. So the whole reason for us getting this type of loan is kind of gone...however we will appreciate new carpet and that too would take us a while to afford.

So because we changed the loan type, our lender requires more time to get everything in order, which means that instead of closing on September 11th, we'll close on September 30th. The only thing that stinks about this is that I had requested a week off after the Sept. 11th closing, but now I don't want to waste that vacation, and will request a week off the second week in October. Which may or may not be handy...I know that I'm going to be crazy when we move....because September 30th is a Wednesday and Jamaal doesn't think he can get the day off, so that leaves me in charge of everything. Which, hopefully will already be packed up by then. It doesn't help that I'm on night shift and therefore my schedule is all over the place. I sleep way more than normal, so hopefully I'll be able to pull myself out of bed. ;)

On a different note, I tried to post pictures of my nephew from so long ago today, but I'm having a hard time loading the pictures....when Jamaal gets home I'll have him help me.

I've been having a lot of pregnancy dreams lately. Last night I had a dream I looked in my purse and there were like 7 months worth of birth control pill packs in there, only they were mostly empty, except for one or two pills that I had obviously forgotten to take. And it was at that moment that I realized I was pregnant. (In my dream of course.) But in real life, I'm working nights and I actually have forgotten to take my pill, two nights in a row this last month actually. The worst part is that I didn't even realize it, I mean I looked at my pack it was Friday and there were still pills for Wednesday and Thursday in there. And I actually couldn't remember not taking them. I thought I had...

While I know I would miss some things about being a young married couple, without kids, I am really starting to dream about having kids of our own. I keep talking about it with Jamaal in hopes of getting him to the same place I am. Asking him questions like: "Do you have any ideas for baby names?" (he doesn't, at least that is what he says now) "Does the fact that very few of your friends are even close to having kids, make you want to wait to have kids?" (no, he says, that's not a factor) And that's a good thing, because if we had to wait until his friends (who at this time are not dating someone steady) were thinking of having kids, we'd be quite a bit older than I'd like to be. And finally the all important question: "Do you want to have kids?" (yes, he does!)

When? he doesn't know. I think that he would like to go to Europe first. We both have family there, and if we planned it right, we could stay with family in Ireland, and in Denmark to save money. He definitely wants to go to Germany to the Audi manufacturer and look at the gorgeous Audis. So we'd have to stay in a hotel in Germany for a couple nights at least. And then we could rent a car and drive to Denmark to visit with my family. We'd have to fly from Ireland to Germany or I guess we could start in Denmark, and then go to Germany and possibly other European countries, then fly to Ireland on our way back home, and stay there a few nights with his family....

Haha what a dream....

A woman's work

**Side Note: First of all, I must apologize, because while I'm filled with emotions and thoughts when I watch this video, my thoughts are not translating well into this blog...so please keep in mind that words cannot describe much of my emotions and feelings, and thoughts on this dance routine....**

This is why I love So you Think you can Dance so much. (And still have many more episodes to watch, so please do not ruin that for me. Do not comment on any episodes past when the top 8 perform....pretty pretty please!! :D I love DVR...)

I'm so touched by this routine. Melissa and Ade danced it beautifully, and put their souls behind their movement...when I watch it I don't see a dance, I see a story. I don't think you need a description of the story behind this routine, but just in case you don't see it....

It is simply a story of one woman who has breast cancer. But the movement translates further than that. For me, she has "cancer" not specifically any cancer, it could be breast, sarcoma, colon, lung etc. I feel like "she" could be a "he", as the emotions are very similar for either sex. The journey, and the experience is very different. For example, men can fit in with a bald head, while women tend to stand out. (Hair loss, however, is not necessarily an easy side effect to deal with for men, but in general it is not as devastating for men. Again, it is different). Of course, since the dance is to "A woman's work" the story is obviously more centered around a female's experience of cancer.

The emotions hit me like a slap in the face. Hope. Love. Support. Strength. Trust. Beauty. Grace. But also Anger. Fear. Loss. Grief. Uncertainty. I see all of these in the video.

I have watched the routine over 5 times now, and I still cry when I watch it. At work I see this too. We give chemotherapy on my floor, and I love my chemo patients. But, they do have cancer, and they do have good and bad days. Some of them don't make it through their chemo (they receive several cycles before "finishing" chemo). Some of them make it through, only to come in to the hospital to pass on. Some of them live longer than "expected." Some of them don't.

But most of them hope. Most of them live (as in be present for the moments that they have left.) Most of them survive, even if their "survival" is only a few years after diagnosis.

Unfortunately, though, sarcomas are usually found later on, and are therefore harder to recover from. This is difficult to remember when I am talking with a living, breathing, hairless patient, who aside from the tumor and the chemotherapy is otherwise healthy, happy, and full of life. My coworkers will mention things like "it's too bad" or "it's sad" but while I agree that cancer sucks, I don't necessarily feel like all is lost. Not until they are actually on their deathbed can I picture them there.

Maybe I'm naive. But I like to think of myself as hopeful. I think my coworkers think about the worst, to help to detach from the patient. To prepare themselves for the worst, because "the worst" has happened a lot on our floor. If they aren't as attached, and the patient loses their fight, the grieving process is easier. I think that is the theory at least. I don't feel like I'm hurting myself to form bonds with people who might end up of dying from cancer. Besides, it's not about me, it's about that person, who happens to have cancer. If I'm hopeful, they can sense it. At least that is what I believe. I prefer to think positively, and I think my patients appreciate that.

It's someone's birthday today...

Happy Birthday Jess!

Just a quickie!

So I've promised pictures, and I haven't forgotten...I just don't know when I'll get around to posting them...the issue is that I was using our fancy camera and I don't know how to transfer photos from it...(well I do know, I have to use a cord to connect to my computer, I'm just that lazy that I don't feel like doing that and finding the cord might be difficult.)

I'd be willing to place a bet that the pictures won't be posted until after September...any takers?? ;)

Well since I last posted, Jamaal and I have been seriously searching for a house to buy...we thought we found the one, placed an offer and reached mutual acceptance. It was a house that the owners owned outright, and they were uncharacteristically attached to the house, which made negotiations very difficult. We had an inspection and discovered a lot of issues with the house, and for the price we had agreed to, we felt that the sellers should fix the issues. (There were a ton of plumbing problems, the roof wasn't great, there was a ridiculous tree right in front entangled in the power lines, and the previous owner tried to pose as electrician (and failed). He messed around with the fuse box, and used masking tape instead of electrical tape...it was ridiculous. So anyway after all of the inspection (and the complete refusal of the owners to fix anything) we backed out of the deal. I was a little heart broken to be honest. But not because I really wanted that house. It was more so that I wanted a house. I wanted a house that we could call ours. I wanted to be proud of where I lived. To decorate it as I wish, and to possibly get a cat if I wanted to do that. (our current landlords do not allow cats, but don't care about dogs...because they are allergic, though they have no intention of living here...I don't get it.) I wanted pride in ownership.

I think that this house is that for us, even though it is located right by my old high school...a little north of our parents, and will make our commutes a little longer.

The inspection is on Tuesday, and we'll know after that.

We've been lucky so far to pick houses that were either a traditional sale, or bank owned...we did not want the uncertainty of a short sale....