A Rambling Mess

 This belly shot was taken at 23 weeks and 3 days.

 This was taken at 27 weeks.

This was also taken at 27 weeks.

Last Thursday I went to water aerobics, and near the end of the workout I started having chest pain. It was right at my sternum and went under my rib cage, mostly to the left. It hurt more if I pressed just under my rib cage medially. I figured it was related to heartburn. But it wasn't going away. I started to worry, so I called out sick for the night. It hurt really bad if I moved my arms across my chest. So I figured I should take it easy. Around 0500, I woke up to hives on my forearms that were really itchy, so I got up to take a half of a benedryl. When I woke up in the morning my chest still hurt so I decided to call the doctor. But by the time I went to my appointment, the pain was gone, and most of my hives were gone. I was sure that the hives were caused by my heartburn medicine. Basically my doctor gave me a list of foods to avoid, and a warning that it was just going to get worse. I was coming down with a cough by this point, which I figured was just because of the heartburn. My doctor agreed with me. 

I went to work that night. I wore a mask for most of the night, especially when in patient's rooms, because my voice sounded hoarse and that makes people uncomfortable. The longer I was at work, the more I felt sick, as opposed to someone suffering from severe heartburn. My sneezes had more substance to them. And at one point I coughed up a loogie. I went to bed right when I got home, and I think my mom called to talk to me. I sounded like crap. I knew then that I was sick, not having heartburn complications. Stupid flu. Our thermometer is still packed somewhere, and so when I talked with my mom (who was planning on coming over to drop off something for me to try) I asked her to also bring her thermometer for me to use. My temperature got as high as 100.5, so not too bad. I've been taking sudafed, benedryl, and Tylenol here and there. I'm beginning to feel better now. I'm undecided as to whether I'm ready to go back to work tonight or not. Fortunately I only have three 8-hour shifts this week. I'll see how I'm feeling later on tonight. I am technically still "contagious" but with a mask on an good hand washing I should be okay for work. I am just still very tired and feel a bit cloudy in the head. I have never coughed up so much gunk in my life. (Which is actually good, because I'd rather have it out of my lungs. But usually I don't start coughing stuff up until I start to feel a little bit better.) 

The little mister has been beating me up with just as much oomph as before I got sick. Sometimes I even exclaim "Oh my!" after an extra strong kick. It is going to be strange to have my belly back to myself. I'm going to feel very empty I think.

Jamaal scared me on Saturday night. He went out with his friends to a bar not too far from our house. He had planned on getting a ride home with his friend's sister (who works as a bartender there, and would therefore be the sober one). But I get a message from him, "can you come get me." Just after midnight. I ask him where he is, and when he wants me to come: at the bar, now.

I jump in the car in my pajamas. They aren't even cute pajamas. It is a pink dress type that goes to my knees. But remember I'm sick, and don't care. I get there in a few minutes, and text him that I've arrived. No response. So, I text him again. Nothing. I try his friend: "I'm here."

He responds "Oh good, Jamaal needs a ride." Yes. I know that, that's why I am here. I should have known at this point that he was going to be little help to me. Can you please send my husband out here. "I don't know where he is." At this point I'm a little worried. It has been 30 minutes of me waiting outside in the car. I decide to face the public. I don't know these people anyway. I throw my coat on over my beautiful pajamas and go inside. They tell me no one is allowed in anymore.

ing car. In the story he tells, he hears some people he has to walk by laugh at him, and he wants to punch them. With how slow he was responding to me, I can't believe he even considered it.

I have been looking everywhere for you. Why didn't you answer your phone? It died. (I figured it probably had.) Where were you? In the bathroom. I had a security guard go in there and look for you.

And then I lose it. I cry it out for a minute, collect myself so I can get us home, and pull out of the parking lot. He apologizes a couple times, but once I start driving he hangs his head down, in the most uncomfortable looking position ever, and stays like that for most of the drive.

When we get home, we find that a dog has puked on the kitchen floor. Jamaal, obviously feeling guilty, pushes me away so that he can clean it up. I let him, because it is difficult these days for me to reach the floor comfortably. I tell him he's not allowed to go out without his phone fully charged, and cry a little more in his arms. He makes his way back to the bathroom, and I give him a couple blankets and a pillow and he spends several hours asleep on the bathroom floor. I already intended on sleeping in the living room, since I didn't want to get him sick, and because I was having a hard time sleeping for longer than 2 hours.

The two of us spent Sunday laying around watching TV and napping. We didn't wake up until almost 1300 (1pm).

Anyway, I haven't done much the past couple days. A lot of laying around. Napping frequently. Eating popcicles and drinking ice water and apple juice. I'm staying hydrated.

Lessons on life

Things I've learned recently:

1. Underwire bras are not comfortable when your belly protrudes farther than your breasts...maybe I should be more specific and say your pregnant belly. I have always been a fan of underwire, mostly for the push-up effect. In the past, I found that non-underwire bras had less padding, and therefore did not hide the fact that where peaches should be, I had apricots. My girlfriends in college called it "false advertising." They joked that I couldn't feel it if they poked me in my boob. (And because of all the padding, most of the time I couldn't.) After realizing that underwire would not cut it for me anymore, I went in search of a new, more comfortable bra. Looking through the racks, I found that there are more bras nowadays that are wirefree and have some padding. I, however, need less than I did before. But it is nice to know that it's out there. Wire-free bras have come a long way.

2. The pregnant belly gets a lot of attention, mostly people ask: "how are you feeling?" I wouldn't mind so much, if I wasn't asked by every single person I work with, my patients and their families. Most of the time people expect a complaint or negative feeling. The only one I can offer is that I have some terrible heartburn. Most of the time they seem disappointed.

3. In a few months I am going to miss getting poked and prodded off and on during the day (and night). I've come to realize that I enjoy the moments when I can feel him kicking and moving around. It is going to be strange having my body to myself again. Well, I'll kind of have my body to myself.

4. Do not leave butter on the counter and then leave your dogs locked in the kitchen. Especially with a dog like Bacardi, who can apparently reach the counter top to get the butter down.

5. The Bissell SpotBot Carpet cleaner, which I received from my mom for Christmas last year, was one of the best gifts I could have ever received. Did you know that if a dog eats about a half a stick of butter they then will have diarrhea all over your carpet? Don't worry if you have a SpotBot. It sucked a lot to pre-clean, because the smell about made me puke, but you can't tell at all that there used to be diarrhea on my carpet. (Side note: After I complained about the smell, Jamaal said "You know what's in diapers right?" Of course I do. But my sense of smell is heightened, and newborns don't eat what Bella ate.

A few blurbs.

I've been pretty quiet on here lately. I've thought about posting, but then don't really have too much to post about. I've been doing a lot, and yet not much at all. So here are a few little blurbs.

Baby.
He has been kicking like crazy. I've seen it on the outside now, but only if I put a little pressure on my belly somewhere. He's still small enough that my fat and organs soften his blows. He will usually kick several times in a row about 45 seconds apart, and then be still for a couple hours. He probably isn't still, from what we saw on the ultrasound, but is gentle enough that I can't feel him as easily. People can definitely tell now that I'm pregnant. (Though in scrubs, sometimes my patients don't notice.)

Names.
Jamaal and I have started talking about names. I think we are going to have a hard time. I'm not definitely in love with any one name. There are a few I like. One, of which, I took from Jamaal's list. I had him make a list of names up to see what he would come up with. There wasn't a lot there, and several I didn't particularly care for. I haven't yet shown him my list. I have a feeling that I'm not going to want to tell anyone until the baby is born, and the papers are signed, for several reasons.
1. I don't want judgment to sway our decision. One might love or hate our name and I don't want to second guess the name we pick because of someone else's opinion. I can say that I don't care about others' opinions, but with several weeks ahead of me, that is a lot of time to dwell on conversations I might have.
2. I reserve the right to change my mind when I see my baby's face. If he takes on his Irish and Danish heritage over his African heritage I don't want him to be stuck with a name like Deshawn. ;) But also, he might look like a Peter over a Philip when I meet him.

Work.
My nurse manager (the "boss" on our unit) posted some new job openings for different shifts. The most relevant opening is a day position. I currently have a day/night rotation. I have liked it better than working the evening/night rotation that I was hired on with. (I only actually worked that shift for a couple months before a day/night rotation opened up and I took it immediately.) Night shift, I believe, is a good option for me while pregnant. I am hoping I'll be able to work for longer while on night shift when I get to the last couple months. There is simply a little less action at night, and I'm able to sit down and put my feet up. Day shift I am moving all the time. However, after the baby is here, I would like to try a few different career changes. If I can find an opportunity, I would like to get a second part-time job closer to home. I would love it if I could find one where the little gummy bear could come with me. I've looked into child care facilities, but I don't know if they would hire an RN or not. I'll get more serious about it closer to my due date. If I did find a second job, I would decrease my hours at my current job. Because the benefits are hard to beat, I'll go down to 50% (20 hours a week) so I can keep my insurance, etc. The other job, hopefully will just be 2 shifts a week or less. As you can imagine, it would be difficult to coordinate two different jobs if I am rotating between days and nights. There is a straight night opening, but as I sometimes have a hard time staying awake driving home now, when I am able to sleep as much as I desire, I don't feel it is safe for me to be driving home sleep deprived after baby enters the world.

Water Aerobics.
I am so glad I started and have stuck with water aerobics. It feels so good to be in the water workin' my butt off. :D I have to alter a few of the exercises now, because my belly makes it hard for me to bring my knees up as high as I used to, but for the most part I don't feel I'm doing things much differently...yet. I keep up with my sister-in-law still, so that is a win for me. I have had to cut back just a little to keep my heart rate below 160 (which was my mid-wives' recommendation), but I still get a good work out.

Cooking.
Yesterday I decided to make the Cook's Illustrated recipe: "The Perfect Chocolate Chip Cookie." I'm not sure the prep work is worth it though. You have to brown the butter. Not much scares me when it comes to baking, pie crusts, bring them on, cheesecake, no problem. But browning butter, I'm shaking in my boots. I'm pretty sure I nearly burnt this butter, but fortunately I didn't. That would have been a lot of butter to waste (because if I was going to take my time to brown butter, I wasn't going to waste it by making a single batch.) Plus, the recipe said it only made 16 cookies. Jamaal loves cookies. He will sit and eat nearly a dozen by himself (and I think he doesn't finish the dozen off only to save a couple for me). If this recipe truly makes the Perfect cookie, I thought, then Jamaal will have a hard time saving those last few for me. Turns out, I think they made 16 giant cookies with the recipe. I would guess a single batch would make 2.5 dozen, and the double batch I made will probably make close to 5. At least I know I'll get a couple for myself. ;) I made the dough yesterday prior to taking my parents out to see Inception. Since I was curious what they would taste like, I baked 6 cookies, and brought one for each of us on the car ride to the theater. They were hot out of the oven. The only thing I regret is not grabbing my nearly empty jug of milk to take a swig out of when I finished my cookie. The jury is still out as to whether or not this recipe makes the perfect cookie. It was good, but I don't know that it was worth browning the butter (and therefore nearly peeing my pants) over.  

Pelvic Rest.
Sucks. Big time.

Updates

On Thursday, my mom, Jamaal and I went to my 20 week ultrasound. I was nervous/excited getting ready for our appointment.

The ultrasound tech had to get measurements done before checking for gender. And, because the baby kept moving around, it took her about 45 minutes just to measure everything.

I was watching closely for malformations, but found none. From my perspective there appears to be no cleft lip or palate. I saw four chambers of a heart, beating regularly. There was no sign of gastroschisis. (The baby's guts were all inside the abdomen.) (BTW, the tech was a little shocked when, after she noted the stomach inside the abdomen, I said, "oh good, it doesn't have gastroschisis." She thought maybe a friend of mine had a baby with it recently. She told me to go home and read nothing medical. I told her I was a nurse, and it was too late for me.)

Then she said "You guys have a very wiggly little boy."  We then watched as he would not hold his legs still. Kick. Kick. Kick. She had a very hard time measuring his legs since he would not hold still. She said that he was going to be a little soccer player. It is amazing to me, that I can hardly feel him in there and yet he was kicking around so much. On the monitor, he looked like a full term newborn, when really he only weighs about 12 ounces right now.

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A doctor reviewed my ultrasound and discussed the results with my midwife. And on Monday I got a phone call from Angie (my midwife). The placenta is very close to my cervix. It is not a placenta previa, at this time. But it is very close to being over my cervix nonetheless. Because there is a risk of bleeding, and a risk of the placenta growing over the cervix more, she put me on pelvic rest.

I texted my mom and sister-in-law this yesterday (that the placenta was close to the cervix, and I was on pelvic rest) My sister-in-law asked if that meant I couldn't go to water aerobics. I responded: "I can. I don't orgasm at water aerobics, maybe you do. ;)" My mom called me shortly after to ask the same question. Since they both responded similarly it occurred to me that "pelvic rest" is not something that all people know what it means. Pelvic rest ultimately means that I cannot have intercourse, and can also not have an orgasm.

8 weeks of no sex or orgasm. It is going to be a rough 8 weeks. Not going to lie, I've cried about it. After 8 weeks, we will have a follow up ultrasound that will check where the placenta is. Angie told me that most of the time the placenta moves up on its own as the uterus grows.

Last night the little gummy bear was kicking like crazy. It felt as though he was flipping feet over head, and kicking the whole way. He was still doing it when we went to bed, so I had Jamaal feel, and he was able to feel him kick. I swear you can probably see it happen on the outside as well. He's got some powerful kicks for such a little man.

19 weeks and counting

My patients are beginning to ask me if I'm pregnant now. Prior to this last week and a half, I've been the one to spill the beans. After which, my patients usually sigh and say "I was wondering if you were." I suppose it just depends on what I am wearing. Some of my scrubs still sort of hide my belly, or make it look like I'm round all around and not just with a baby bump. I have actually had to retire a lot of my scrubs, because while I can still get them on, I cannot get my hands into my front pockets. (which is the whole point of wearing them in the first place. I need a place to hold all my pens and notes and supplies.) I'm going to invest in a couple more scrub jackets, which I'll be able to wear after the baby is born. But with my BeBand, I can wear the scrub pants I own, if I keep them under my belly (the BeBand helps to keep them from falling off, and keeps me from showing crack.) I also have a couple pairs of maternity khaki pants and one pair of black maternity pants, which aren't really my style outside of work, so I've been wearing them with a plain maternity shirt, and a scrub jacket. 

Thursday is my 20 week ultrasound (technically 19 weeks 6 days) and I am super nervous/excited. I'm beginning to get paranoid. What if the baby has no fingers? What if there is a heart problem? What if the baby's guts are still outside of its body?

And if there is a problem, I am going to blame myself. I haven't been taking my prenatal...for about 3 weeks now. Mostly they make me just a little bit nauseated (nothing that would cause me to lose my cookies) but enough to make me dread taking them. I bought folate right after I found out I was pregnant, then realized if I took my multivitamin, I was getting enough folic acid so didn't need to take the extra folate. I just yesterday pulled out the bottle. I should have done so sooner. I am probably getting enough folic acid in my diet, most of the time. I probably have nothing to worry about. I'm sure there are plenty of perfectly healthy babies out there that were born to mommies that never once took a vitamin or supplement while pregnant. But, there have been so many healthy babies born around me lately, that I feel like there is going to be a problem sometime soon. Some baby is going to be born with a defect, and knowing my luck it will probably be mine. What very dark and dreary thoughts for a pregnant lady to have. I know I'm not the first...and will not be the last.

The appointment on Thursday will settle my uncertainty, at least until the next appointment...and the next...and until the day I finally get to meet the little gummy bear...

I am so excited for Christmas this year. :D

Belly shot

Here I am at 5 weeks. Pretty flat at this point.

Here I am at basically 12 weeks (11 weeks 6 days). There is a bulge there. I was starting to notice a bump at this point, but still fitting fine in all my clothes.

Here is 15 weeks.

Here is today, 17weeks and 4 days.

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I find myself touching my belly all the time. It is a subconscious act, most of the time. Sometimes I'm massaging my muscles that get sore here and there. But sometimes I'm trying to see if I can feel the baby move on the outside, so I can have Jamaal try to feel it. I've felt the baby move only a couple times. I've read somewhere that the baby is sleeping close to 20 hours a day, so it makes sense that it is difficult for me to feel the little gummy bear.  

Last night I had a dream that I could feel my babies shoulder, arm and hand. And SHE held my hand. That's right, the first dream where I actually felt like the baby was a girl. I cannot wait to find out for sure so I can start buying clothes and registering for things. Here is a countdown:

Updates

I should really be packing right now. We are going to be leaving in 2 hours to go camping, and my clothes and things are not packed.

But instead I find myself here. :D

Hope you're okay with that.

Just a couple things I want to share:

1. On Tuesday, July 20th I felt the baby move very clearly. It was after work at about 3:50 or so. I was sitting waiting for my bus. I leaned back and relaxed, and felt the little one doing acrobatics. It truly felt like he had hold of a bar and was twirling around and around it. The sad thing is, that since Tuesday, I haven't sat down long enough to even begin to feel baby move again. I have a long car ride today, so hopefully baby isn't asleep. (now, though as I write this, I'm feeling little tickles. :D )

2. I'm truly starting to show. I really need to show pictures, but that will have to wait until after the weekend. I can no longer fit in my own pre-pregnancy shorts/jeans/capris unless I leave them partially zipped and unbuttoned. I bought a Belly Band from Target, to help hold up my clothes, and it works well. (it is not the one pictured here, and was about $10 cheaper.)

I went to the Supermall to buy some maternity clothes and found the cheapest, best selection at Burlington Coat Factory. My cousin informs me that Ross, also has some maternity clothes, (I thought she had said Marshall's, but the one in Supermall did not have one). I have not made it to Ross yet. I'll wait a bit longer before going again. I do still have some pre-pregnancy shirts that fit just fine. Mostly because of the style that they are. I like wearing really loose fitting clothes that are about a size too big, so they still fit.

And also, people are beginning to notice the belly. At work I still fit into most of my scrub tops. (Some have been retired, because they fit, but I cannot get into the pockets in the front, so, I figure, what's the point?) However, I "fit" in my scrubs, you can still see what could be a firm fat roll, or a baby bump. Most people don't say anything, but when I mention it, they let out a sigh of relief and say "I thought you looked pregnant." Scrubs are very unflattering things, you see. :D

3. Last night, I was up until 1:00am. I hope that it was worth it. :D I made two of the very first pies I've ever made independently! I have made many pies in my day, don't get me wrong. But there has always been a key person there to help: my mom. She has always been the pie Queen. Every Thanksgiving and Christmas season (back as far as I can remember) she has made the pies for my family gatherings. When most of my father's family moved over to the Spokane area, she still made pies, but usually fewer than before.

Jess and I, in high school, got together several summers to pick blackberries and bake pies. We made miniature pies for everyone in our families, and they all got to pick what filling they wanted. My mom helped us on the crust. She prepared it, and helped us to roll it out etc. I'm sure we eventually did it ourselves once she reminded us how to do it. (I've been watching her make these pies all my life, so it was always easier to let her do it for me.)

This summer, I made a peach pie using store bought crust. It was scrumptious. But even then, my mom helped with key steps: she peeled the peaches, she helped me with assembling the crust when I asked, she taught me the proper heating method that she uses (15 minutes at 425, then 45-60 minutes at 325), she basically walked me through the process.

Last night, I called her once to remind myself of the proper heating method, and to ask for the ingredients in the pies (because the cookbooks I have are terrible and don't have the ingredients for fresh peach pie.) That was all I needed. She had already taught me the basics, and without her there to lean on, I stood pretty well on my own. I used the recipe found here. I found it to be relatively easy to work with, in that it did not stick, crack, crumble or rip. It got the job done pretty easily. It just took a while for it to get soft enough that I could roll it. The recipe calls for the dough to be refrigerated, which is something that is new to me. But because it is made with butter, which softens pretty quickly at room temperature (compared to shortening) I understand why it should be kept cold. The beautiful thing about this dough is, you can make it, portion it out, store it in the fridge, and then prepare your fruit. If you are like me, it will take you an hour to peel every last apple and peach. Then, you have to cut them up. :D I used a carrot peeler to peel my apples, because I am awful with a paring knife, and it worked extremely well. If you pull, as you would with a paring knife, instead of push away as you do with a carrot, it goes pretty quickly. It took me about 3 apples to realize this. :D

I hope my pies taste as scrumptious as they look. Pictures will come...I hope.

4. Today we will leave to go camping. I am still pretty nervous. Though I have made a sort of peace (I mistyped "peach" instead of peace...haha.) with it. I have decided that I will have fun if it pains me. I'm sure at times I will be not nice but I am going to try to be a good girl. It helped me to have Bret tell his friends that if they wanted a monte cristo in the morning they would need to bring turkey, ham and bread. I would provide the eggs and cheese. This way, if they don't bring it, I won't feel as bad for them as we are all scarfing down our beautiful, warm, sweet breakfast sandwiches. They can look on with all the longing in their eyes, and I won't feel a pang of guilt, because I warned them. I buy the expensive lunch meat, dang it! I cannot pay to feed an army! :D

The beginnings of a belly

I'm beginning to feel pregnant. :D It is wonderful. Prior to this week I didn't feel pregnant at all. Even prior to this pregnancy I've been one to crave certain foods periodically, so even though I've been having crazy cravings, that did not seem new or different to me. I've also always had vivid nutty dreams, so that too does not seem new or different.

I've been waiting for the day when I can look down and notice the baby. I cannot wait to be able to feel him in there moving around and making his presence known.

I can proudly say that I can look down and notice that there's a baby in there. :D It's not really noticeable to anyone else. (Well that is not exactly true this weekend I went to a memorial for my grandma, and my mom, SIL, aunt and uncle all could tell there was a little baby bump.) My clothes are getting tighter by the day it seems. The bump is high enough now that my pants fit pretty much just fine.

I have pictures but they are in the living room, so they will come later.